There is dignity in suffering and nobility in pain

Flashback

2009-09-24T14:10:00.011-04:00

Saratoga holds some dear memories to me, it includes Sven my burly good looking Eastern European maintenance man who saved the day. Okay actually his name was Jason, and he was a skinny American guy who basically installed a new A/C in my room. Hell I am allowed to dream. I wore a purple scarf to the exam even though it was July and 95 degrees outside. I had amazing bagels, a wacko yoga teacher that basically told me that I brought the bar exam into the room. Shoot I can't help it if the exam wanted to do some downward dog. The 3 days also consisted of good food and wine. Why? because Bitsandgiggles rocks! And what is a bar exam without White Sangria and peanut butter cupcakes. Let us not forget the purple kids watch with the second hand that was shaped like a flower which got me through 21 hrs of testing. Not to mention the jerk who chewed Mike and Ike's during the MBE, or the thunderstorm that welcomed us back to NJ. Only to deal with being late and doing 3 U-turns the morning of the Jersey exam with no lunch and a crazy woman who was so nervous I wanted to shake her and yell "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER". All I can say is I hope this is the last post I will ever write about the bar exam. So we move on to present time.

Unbelievable

2009-09-24T14:07:00.002-04:00

Amazing that a journalist would be allowed to call blame to a person who was sexually abused by her father. Here is the article which not only angers me but shocks me. My comment is posted below.

http://www.nj.com/parenting/amber_watsontardiff/index.ssf/2009/09/mackenzie_phillps_on_oprah_can.html

Packing for Saratoga

2009-07-24T16:33:00.003-04:00

These are the 10 things already packed so far (you can see why I need help)
1. 30 packs of Vitamin C in powder form
2. Ritalin
3. Ginseng
4. Gingko
5. Caffeine Pills
6. Sleepy tea
7. Vitamin Water
8. Pencils
9. Ear plugs
10. Yoga mat

Last Minute Tips for Bar Exam

2009-07-12T16:24:00.004-04:00

Domestic Bees are not wild animals
An old, clawless, toothless, sedated bear is a wild animal
Dont' park by the hydrant, because most likely you will get sideswiped
Just because you see heirs doesn't mean they get crap
Yes I can tell you not to build your porn shop in my town
Most likely if you hit someone they will have brittle bone disease - sucks to be you
Even if you don't know its my land, you are still trespassing so get out.
Don't kick my dog, or you are liable for battery.
You slap me in the face, I am adequately provocated - hence I will stab you.
You call me a leper, I don't need to prove special damages.
Get rid of that shotgun booby trap
Keep your kids on a leash if you know they like to ride their bike into the road
If you go to rob a bank, just assume your co-conspirator is going to blow someone's head off.
Who the hell is the reasonable person?

OOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM

2009-07-04T11:05:00.003-04:00

So I have no furniture. Why you ask? Because I decide I wanted new furniture and sold my old furniture. Everything they say not to do while studying for the bar exam, I probably have done. For example, work, renovate your home, get rid of the comfort of your sofa, travel to the Midwest for the weekend. You get the point. Actually the whole look of the apt brings a sort of minimalist feel to my studying. Less chaos, less to clean or think about cleaning. I personally think everyone should sell their furniture and study off the floor and their coffee table. Well only if they have a meditation chair. I bought this floor chair, by "googling" floor chair and it is amazing. It showed up just in time, exactly 4 weeks from the bar exam. I decided that if I pass I will include it in my thank you speech. It is preety amazing and my posture, my lower back and my sanity all thank it. Thank you meditation chair.

I AM TAKING TWO BAR EXAMS IN 4 WEEKS

2009-06-29T09:52:00.002-04:00

My title signifies what most people in my life do not get or understand or chose to ignore. No, I do not have time for 4th of July fireworks, or dim sum, or drinks on a Friday night even if it is for just "one." I can not go out to lunch everyday because my only time at work lately to crack open a book is at lunch. No, I can not go shopping or have coffee, shoot I should not even be writing this blog. I already have guilt about the lack of studying that occurred in the trip to the Midwest just so that I can eat a cheese sandwich and nachos and clean bathrooms. I managed to go to the library yesterday and the thought of moving my books from the coffee table in my living room made me nasueous. I even bought a meditation chair, no not so I can medidate but because my ass hurts sitting on the floor studying for 10 hours. So, with that being said, we will resume social activities in 29 days, 23 hours, 3 min, and 4 seconds.

Ah my fellow bloggers - Thank you

2009-06-26T10:47:00.005-04:00

http://lawwithgrace.blogspot.com/2009/06/to-all-bartakers-everywhere-who-are.html

2009-06-26T09:59:00.008-04:00

I am running to the building and I don't recognize anything. There are three huge buildings and of course I am late looking for the room. Why am I late? Why didn't I get up 2 hours in advance? No worries, I will be at most 1 min in by the time they start the exam. I finally get there, my heart is racing a million miles a minute and I sit down.

"Is that your seat?" Says the girl next to me.
I look perplexed "Um can't we just sit anywhere?"
"No", she exclaims "Go find the proctor they will give you your seat."

I rush over to the proctor and get my seat assignment, in the meantime I try to sharpen my pencil and it breaks, so I try again. It is now the 3rd pencil and they keep breaking on me. (Screw it! Work with the half sharpened one...who cares). I sit down. (Not as good as the other seat but it will do). Then I start. (Okay maybe I missed 2-3 questions at most, but I am a speed reader and I was getting through the practice questions in less than a minute, piece of cake to catch up). That was until I saw the head at the side of my face and then I saw the face... sick and green. (No, no, no. Please don't throw up, not on me. Not now!) You hear about this and I always thought it was an urban legen like the women who ran up and down the aisle screaming "I am covenant running with the land". But it was too late, I was a goner. I get up in awe and shock and run to a proctor. "What do I do?" She stares at me with contempt. "Go clean up and hurry!" I stare at her "Do I get extra time? I have to right?" No response. So I run to the bathroom, where is it? Oh these hallways are so long and windy. I spent what feels like an hour looking for the bathroom, people directing me every which way but the right way. Trying to find the room on my way back was worse, am I in the wrong building? Can't be. Whatever it was it was an eternity, and yes I was in another building. After sweating and running, I find the room. (How much time has passed?) (How late am I?) OMG, I sit down and Jack is in the corner and worried. Then another guy looks at me and whispers, "You might as well just leave now. You missed about 30 minutes, you will never catch up." I look at him, get a huge lump in my throat. (Is he right? Should I just quit?) I keep thinking: I will catch up, and I will.... or should I just walk out? How can I face everyone if I fail again? could I move to another state? But it is stupid to think I can catch up after losing 30 minutes? Will the proctor give me time for the whole vomit incident? And then I look... I am missing Questions 1-90! What! I run to the proctor, she looks at me again and says
"Oh well I guess you lost the pages, not our fault nor is it our responsibility"
"Now what!?" I exclaim
"We may or may not be able to find you another book, nothing else we can do sorry........."

I WAKE UP.

DISCLAIMER: This is exactly my nightmare from last night, might seem funny and outrageous but very real to me. I am scared shit, that is all I can say.

Away We Go

2009-06-15T16:49:00.002-04:00

So why does the idea of raging hipsters growing up make me cry. Not sure, but that is what happened when I was out on date night with the Midwestern on Friday. I know I should have been reciting the definition of Joint Tenancies or spitting out the type of scrutiny a law gets. Instead I was drinking a vodka martini at Tabla Bread Bar and on my way to see a indie romantic comedy. I could not help but relate to this movie, even though I am not barefoot and pregnant. Nor do I live in a shack or draw the insides of dead people (see the movie for clarification). But yet I was so sure that the movie was based on the Midwestern and me. So I won't spoil it for all who have not seen it. Instead I will spend all week catching up on studying for the whole day lost (because I was useless until late afternoon on Sat), but it was the best night I have had in awhile.

Catch me I am Falling

2009-06-10T10:50:00.003-04:00

I did not win a seat for the NJ Bar exam laptop lottery. I should be crying, I should be freaking out. But instead I am laughing. I think that the humor in the obstacles that have been thrown my way is God's way of playing with me. I think he is in Heavan right now having a good laugh, and I need to have a good laugh with him. I mean is it not difficult enough that I need to increase 9 scaled points in order to pass, or is it difficult enough that I had a copy guy tell me that if he failed the bar exam by a few points he would kill himself. Or is it bad enough that I NEED to pass or who knows if I will have a job in the worst economy in 15 yrs or is it difficult enough I am working full time and studying. HMMM, nah thats peanuts. Now let me have to hand write 7 essays in 7 hours which I have not done in 4 years. I am not sure if they would like to also put a bear in the room, which comes by during the exam and roars in your face that might work too. At this point, shoot paint pellets at my face while I hand write this thing. NJ BOE give me all you got!

Emanuel MBE Bar in Box and Refresher course

2009-05-25T13:54:00.001-04:00

I was lucky that my friend who is now Esq.and scored a whopping 165 on his MBE's gave me his secret weapon. We all remember Emanuel from law school days he had the great study guides and outlines for our law school subjects. Well he also happens to specialize in MBE bar prep. Now I know so does Barbri or PMBR but Emanuel actually has a whole program totally geared toward MBE unlike these other programs which are a little bit of everything. I was a little hesitant Bar in a Box ...come on that sounds like a set of vodkas, mixtures with shot glasses and a shaker in a fancy box to me. Martini in a box. But I am highly impressed with not only the DVDs for each one of the 6 MBE topics which are clear and concise. Then you have outline books very similar to the conviser from Barbri but again only MBE topics and each one is about 100 pages with 33 questions from their self assessment test in the back. The study technique is to see DVDs (or attend live lectures) read the outlines 3 times thoroughly and do the 33 questions (each time). I am of course making flashcards too. They also provide you with 2 huge books of questions kind of like PMBR. I did like PMBR do not get me wrong, but keep in mind I am a retaker and also I scored low on my MBE so I need to bring up my score 22 points for July, so I think Emanuel is very helpful (a little clearer than some of the other outlines). I signed up for Adapitbar which was recommended by a few sites www.seperac.com and also www.barwrite.com. Thus is a pretty amazing website which has all real MBE questions from NCBEX and they come with explanations and answers and it keeps track of your scores and percentages. Worth the money and they have a discount available right now. It also does reporting and an analysis of how fast you should be answering to get the question right compared to past results. I can go on and on, but to be honest they let you try it out for free so you can see the different things the site has to offer.(www.adaptbar.com) I would highly recommend this to anyone who is sudying for the MBE. I am also going to recommend the book by Emmanuel Strategies and Tactics. I have not read it yet because I was advised to wait until I review the 6 MBE topics and take a simulated which I will soon. So Barbri yesy because we all know you need barbi to learn it all and well everyone else is in Barbri so you need to run with the curve but for retakers who do not want to do the Barbri retaker course these are excellent supplements for increasing your MBE score. Okay well I am done promoting (Disclaimer, I am not getting paid or kick backs for any of this but if anyone would like to give me a discount on one of their products I am always grateful). Back to studying!

Mary Campbell Gallagher Barwrite

2009-05-22T23:31:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to notify anyone who may be interested in the following:
BarWrite® teleseminar on
How to Plan a Bar Exam Study Schedule on Friday evening, May 29, 2009, at 7pm Eastern Time.

For information and to enroll, visit http://www.BarWrite.com.

She also has great bar prep boot camp classes for MPT, Essays and MBE.

Advice from Mary Gallagher for the Working Bar Candidate

2009-05-21T19:18:00.007-04:00

Monday to Friday
6:30 am-7:45am Review 10 MBE questions
7:45am - 8:20am Get Ready for work. Memorize one MBE rule
8:20am - 9am Quick review of outlines or flashcards, or listen to MBE CD (Pick one and stick to it) on the subway.
9am - 1pm Work. Memorize one or two rules during bathroom breaks
1pm-1:45 Lunch - Study outlines, memorize one MBE rule.
1:45 pm - 5:30 Work
5:30 - 5:45 Walk to Subway listen to MBE CD
5:45-6:00 study on the subway (Flashcards)
6:00 - 6:10 Walk home listen to MBE CD
6:10 - 6:30 Walk dog
6:30 -7:30 Dinner
7:30 -9pm Review MBE Topics (Answer ten questions, analyze answers)
9pm-10pm Outline two essays and analyze answers
10pm-11:30pm Review law outlines and create flashcards for substantive law and/or World Cup Rules
11:30pm-Midnight New York Multiple Choice (at least five questions) BED

I did my own version of the weekend schedule:

SATURDAY
8-9am Do 10 MBE questions
9-9:30am Breakfast. While eating, learn two MBE rules.
9:30-11-30am Review MBE topics. Do five MBE questions. Memorize three new rules of law. Recite previous days' rules of law. [Write the rule to all the questions you get wrong]Substantive law review, quiz and recite.
11:45-12:45 Yoga
1:00-1:45pm Lunch. While eating, learn two rules.
1:45-2:30pm Outline an essay. Do analysis of answer.
2:30-3:15pm Outline an essay. Do analysis of answer.
3:15-5:30pm Substantive law review, quiz and recite.
5:30-6:30pm Dinner. While eating, learn two rules.
6:30-7:15pm Practice New York Multiple Choice Questions. (At least 5) Memorize rules.
7:15-9:00pm More memorization.
9:00-9:30pm Recite World Cup Rules [feature of the BarWrite® Schools] and other rules from memory.
9:30pm - Midnight Quick review of one subject outline, ten or more MBE problems (Review, make flashcards for unfamiliar rules, do analysis); outline one essay; do several New York Multiple Choice questions.
Sleep!

SUNDAY
8:00 - 9:00 Do 10 MBE questions and review answers
9:00 - 9:45 Breakfast - Memorize 2 rules
9:00 - 12:30 Substantive review MBE topics, do five MBE questions. Memorize three new rules of law. Recite previous days' rules of law. [Write the rule to all the questions you get wrong]
12:30-1:15 Lunch & memorize three World Cup rules [Barwrite]
1:15 - 3:30 Outline and review two past bar essays
3:30 - 5:00 Do MBE questions: con law, property, criminal law
5:00 - 6:00 NY Multiple Choice
5:00 - 6:00 Dinner
6:00 - 6:45 Memorize 3-5 rules
7:00 - 8:00 Yoga
8:15 - 9:00 Quick reviews of minor bar topics for the New York bar, including secured transactions, no-fault, commercial paper, conflicts of law, partnership
9:00 - 11:00 -Additional review of one or two subject outlines, ten or more MBE Problems (Make flashcards for unfamiliar rules, do analysis); outline one essay; do several New York Multiple Choice questions.
BED!
Thank you!
Scoring High on Bar Exam - Mary Campbell Gallagher

2009-05-21T10:38:00.003-04:00

Best Bars for Bathroom Sex

http://www.sheckys.com/newyorkcity/nightlife/articles/best_bars_for_bathroom_sex_7148.asp

Ladies this might come in handy to:
1) spice up your marriage
2) make your boyfriend fall in love instantly (or the stranger at the bar)
3) Get 25% off your next tune up (bitsandgiggles)
4) Any chance we can fit the BOE grading committe into the stall at the Waldorf?

Advice to those who Failed the Bar Exam

2009-05-15T14:47:00.002-04:00

What do you do when you trip and fall? Do you lie on the ground, give up, and say, "I will never walk again." Do you lose confidence in your ability to ever walk again because of a fall? NO. Usually, you get up, brush yourself off, and are on your way. Even after a bad fall, even should you be hurt seriously and need medical care, what follows is healing.

Absent unusual circumstance, so long as the will to succeed is there, anyone who tripped up on the last bar is a person who can walk forward, someone who can PASS the next exam.

You don't get to take the bar exam without a huge investment, and many steps of proving yourself worthy. Even if the statistical chances of passing are lower because of your GPA in law school or other factors, you can still do it.
With the proper guidance and preparation, you can.

If you were a person who at the first stumbles simply left the path and looked for a smoother trail, you would not have finished law school, let alone applied for and sat for an entire bar examination. No way.

The fact that you got far enough to TAKE the test is proof of your potential.

Now, to get up, brush yourself off, and realize that potential.

(Excerpt from www.passlaw.com)

Stolen Lines #4

2009-05-15T11:16:00.007-04:00

Feeling both empowered and terrified as I drove into work, I looked up at the sky and started talking.

"Dear God, I know I should not be asking for anything right now but I am asking you to make everything okay. I know I should be thankful that I have a job, and good family and friends and an awesome dog, but it still feels like it all has come crashing down. Why me? I worked so hard, I knew the law? I could spit out the execution of a will in sing song form to the beat of thriller! Well I guess none of that really matters. I guess it all comes down to those damn multiple choice questions. God, can you please inflict slight pain to the people who developed those questions? I mean don't kill them or anything just sort of scare them a little. Perhaps maybe when one of the MBE people is eating breakfast one morning, they look down at their cereal bowl and a snake jumps out. I mean something really cool like that. Okay, I know I am supposed to forgive. But it is really hard, I mean how can my entire legal career be on hold because I can not tell the difference between:

a) D is not liable because his act was not the proximate cause of V's injuries
b) D is not liable because his reckless act was not the direct but for cause of V's injuries
c) D is liable because his really crappy act of bashing V's head with a baseball bat during a softball game was the cause of V's head exploding
d) All of the above
God, I am going to try this again, and I ask for your strength and support to get me through another grueling 12 weeks. But most importantly, I ask that you please show the MBE people how to be merciful...and if that doesn't work then can you just send me a copy of the answers. Thanks"
AMEN

*I Stole the first line of this post from Stay Tuned, by Jenniffer Weigel

Join the Club

2009-05-15T10:26:00.002-04:00

Jerry Brown: Attorney General of California (and former California governor). Failed the California bar once before passing.

Hillary Clinton: Brilliant, delicious, and everyone should vote for her. Future president of the United States. Failed the D.C. bar exam in the 1970s, but passed the Arkansas bar -- where she went on to have a successful legal career, as a partner in the Rose Law Firm.

John F. Kennedy, Jr. (deceased): Highly attractive son of President John F. Kennedy. Failed the New York bar twice, before passing on the third try. Served as an assistant district attorney in New York from 1989 to 1993

Emily Pataki: Highly attractive daughter of former New York Governor George Pataki. Failed the New York bar the first time, but passed the second time.

(We thought she was an associate at the prestigious New York law firm of White & Case, but she's not on the firm website.)

Kathleen Sullivan: Former dean of Stanford law school, leading constitutional law scholar, and possible Supreme Court nominee (or Solicitor General pick) in a Democratic administration. Failed the California bar exam when she took it in July 2005. As explained by the Wall Street Journal:

EJ: Highly attractive daughter of Mr. and Mrs. EJ, who is a leading evidence scholar, and everyone should vote for her. Failed the first time but is going to whoop ass the second.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2009-05-13T21:53:00.002-04:00

The Good: My job is giving me a second go at it, and I still have a job when its over.

The Bad: The books are out, the outlines were retrieved, and the pencils are sharpened. I have already invested $350 to do this again not to mention the other $575 still remaining to pay if I do the 2nd state again. Oh and did I mention the $759 to just travel to the damn test. Whose bright idea was to forgo the Javits Center? Did I mention my dignity is still bruised?

The Ugly: Let the Games Begin!

The End of the World

2009-05-07T10:26:00.002-04:00

The last day or two have been very hard and I have shed many tears and kicked and screamed. I have put on a poker face and tried to keep a smile [which if you know me I am an expert at doing]. But I decided last night there is no reason to act like this didn't happen nor to act as if it didn't hurt. I am allowed to feel this way and to mourn. It feels as if my whole world has come crashing down and everything I worked for was for nothing. I told myself last night nothing has come easy and I know "that's life"...but it seems as if it has always been an uphill battle and I am TIRED. But I am slowly picking myself up and dusting myself off and trying to get myself together so that I can do this again. I know I am capable of passing this. I definitely understand that this is no indication of my intelligence nor of my ability. I love what I do, and I want to be a lawyer and I want it more than anything. So if I look at the big picture in a span of a 25 year career as a lawyer what is an extra 6 months to wait ? I really appreciate all the support because honestly that is what keeps me going to know that people believe in me so much. Thank you it means a lot. I know that we are never given more than we can handle so I plan on taking no prisoners in July. The exam is July 28-30th. I already signed up again, and I plan to start preparing this week. 12 more weeks I know I can do this, I just have to put all my emotions and fear aside. I don't know when I will be able to wake up and declare "WAR!" I am not quite there yet, but hopefully in the next few days. Because once I do, then I can start getting ready for the fight. Then the NY BOE won't have a chnace...MOVE B*TCH GET OUT THE WAY!

The heat is on

2009-05-04T12:29:00.006-04:00

So I had a panic attack on Friday. How do I know it was a real panic attack? I started sobbing uncontrollably and could not breathe...hence panic attack. I found out that the NY Bar results will be emailed on Tuesday May 5th. Yes, Cinco de Mayo. Not only will they be emailed but no US Postal announcement will be sent out. So if your email account decides to spam your NY bar results you will have to wait until the public announcements - sucks to be you in other words. I do not know why all these emotions that I thought disappeared came back with such a vengeance but they did. Thoughts of what if?? What would I tell my parents, my friends, work? How would I prepare again? I can't take any more time off, nor can I afford more classes. All these thoughts of how failing = living in a cardboard box. Don't ask, but I somehow found a non direct correlation between the two. So here I am less than 24 hours from the announcement, and I have had nightmares and yet I am also trying to fill my head with positive thoughts because I believe they breed positive results. I drank an excessive amount of wine alone this weekend and watched excessive amount of mindless TV alone. Why? Because I wanted to enjoy doing nothing just in case. But I know that I will get through this and no matter what I have to keep telling myself I worked my ass off and I did the best I could and that is all that matters. So not sure what will happen tomorrow but either way I am going to become a raging alcoholic.

Life After Bar Exam

2009-04-28T17:16:00.004-04:00

1) Almost passing out during Hot Yoga
2) Almost falling on my face during weekly Hip Hop class because my foot got stuck on a chair move (not sexy)
3) Shopping for what..not sure but anything to keep me busy. Borders and books put my picture up as April's Best Customer because I filled my bag with loads of books that range from Mormons to dead bodies.
4) Working..or at least half of the time. No one knows what to give me or how to utilize me. I am too expensive to make copies but to cheap to do actually attorney work hence I surf the net all day.
5) Adding up my student loan on an excel spreadsheet
6) Counting the weeks, days, hours, seconds until the results come out - Priceless

Waiting for Bar Results

2009-04-06T16:40:00.003-04:00

So it has hit me that I have about 3 weeks to get my results. There is no sure proof of this just a lot of speculation but it is enough to give me a panic attack. I have filled my time up with hot yoga, watching gossip girl when it is on TV instead of on DVR, and reading books...real books. I also love that I can take naps on Sundays and make plans with friends again, what would I do if I had to let that all go? I can not even think of what I would tell people. I am going this weekend to go plant a tree on a beach and use my zipcar for the first time, and I guess I just have to stop thinking about whether I should start studying early for July. So I am going to take my paranoid self and keep praying and hoping. If anyone else wants to join in prayer or burn hair or stab voodo dolls whatever works I support it!

Stolen Lines #3

2009-03-27T15:34:00.005-04:00

"There's something that I've been thinking about and wondering about and I'm very curious: am I the only one who knows?"

Well sort of me, I mean yes. No one really knows the extent of it. "It" you know that thing we don't like to discuss. Yeah, that "shhh" whisper it my debt. I mean I have close friends that have a guess or a clue or can probably add a law school tuition and some lavish shopping sprees but no one "really" knows. The true extent, the true number, the fact that the credit card bills alone are in the double digits. Only you know my little secret, or our little secret. You only know because we are married. I mean you have a right to know you married a shopaholic, or that I have a problem. The weird thing is I am great with money, and great with financing and great with budgeting. We paid for our wedding - in cash. I paid for my $40,000 car in full (and not late once). I bought two properties before I turned 30 yrs old and have over $600K in real estate. So then why can't I figure out how to stop swiping? I have to learn to not buy those Italian suits, or Stuart Weitzman shoes or the $300 dress for that one event. Why do I pay a small mortgage every month along with my other 2 mortgages. I guess I will never learn. How do I know? Because I am actually looking at villas in Spain as we speak. For now? NO, for later, for retirement, for 30+ years from now....and I might also get a new pair of shoes to go with it. So don't tell okay...It's our secret.

*I stole the first line of this post from Then We Came To The End, by Joshua Ferris

Why I don't have Kids

2009-03-27T15:06:00.005-04:00

Every day I have to hear my co-worker tell me about all the cute things her kids does, and then I spent another 20 minutes looking at children books. Am I going to hell because I am not excited about pop up turtles? Now I am sitting here and the kid is sick something about a stomach ache. Ugh! A stomach ache is not the end of the world! I have stomachaches, headaches, legaches, backaches all the time. But I draw the line when we start talking about her bowel movements. The fact that I am even writing bowel grosses me out. Again this is why I do not have kids. Now she the mother has to take off half a day from work..For what? To what hug her and give her tea. Throw the kid a pepto bottle and a straw! I am tying my tubes.

I am a Girl!

2009-03-20T11:28:00.004-04:00

Okay so I am back at work and well I am sort of in this interim stage. I am scared to pull out all the suits because well I ate way too many gold fish during bar study and I am worried the suits will show this. I also refuse to think I have hundreds of dollars in suits that I can't wear because my J-LO a!s can't fit into them, so instead I wait..... I have worn more "corporate" attire since I have returned to work, I mean why not?? They say "Act like you own it!" So I will, I may not know if I passed but sometimes if you believe it hard enough well maybe it will happen. So to begin my role as a new attorney, I pulled out my stilettos, bought a new lipstick called "Attitude", got my nails done (in nude again going with the corporate theme), and eyebrows threaded. So there are only 2 more things to add to the new attorney "look" a new phone and a new pair of eyeglasses. Since I am still not sure if I want a blackberry or the new Palm, I wait. As for the new glasses, I figured I would splurge a little (trying to avoid the "I got $200K worth of student loans look") Thus bringing me to my purchase yesterday pink Gucci eyeglasses! Yes pink, why? Because I am a girl. A girl/lawyer (to be). I asked Kim if clients would take me seriously she assured me they would respect me for my fashion sense. God I hope so because I just dropped $400 on these damn glasses. And even though cheaper than a seeing eye dog, I still think an investment. So now I wait, for the day I get the really cool attorney job where they send me on business trips so that I can buy the pink laptop clutch (Exhibit A picture above) from Hewlett Packard....Ooooh how cute would it be that it matches my glasses. Law firms beware....Legally brunette has arrived.

The Bar, The Bar and more bar

2009-03-20T10:54:00.008-04:00

So I have not written a post since the bar exam. I will not go into gory details about the sweats, nightmares and the panic attack during the MBE. But you all would be proud to know that I did not get up during the attack. I figured if I was going to pass out and die doing 200 multiple choice questions then I might as well go down with a fight. At first I tried to down play the exam to people who asked "How was it?" What a stupid question! Um, again I rather stick a sharp object in my eye and move it up and down. (Okay I watch too many horror flicks). Now I just have my standard response "Yes, it was terrible but I am told that is normal and I did my best, so now I am just crossing my fingers" I already said this to myself but I know now that the bar exam is no indication of how smart you are or how good of a lawyer you will be. Instead it is a test of endurance (21 hours are you kidding me?), diligence (9 weeks of studying I might as well be pregnant), patience (why does it take 3 months to grade?), strength (I will try not to kill myself or anyone else around me). Yes, you have to know the law. You also have to know how to write that you know the law. You basically memorize 22-26 subjects, and even then you are fighting for 65%. Who really will ever need to know the Doctrine of Worthier Title???? And Heartbalm statutes - seriously? Anyway, I still find myself reciting law in Essay format (Under NY CPLR...) And so here I wait, I have 2 months of praying, hoping, etc. But all I can say is I could never have done this without my wonderful support system. Often, I feel my friends and family had more faith in me sometimes then I had in myself - Thank you. The bar exam was one of the hardest things I have had to deal with so far, and it caused numerous emotional and mental challenges. But you know the saying if it does not kill you.....well then something else will :)

Path Train Attorney

2009-02-12T21:10:00.010-05:00

Today was the highlight of the 8 weeks of studying. I had just finished sitting through 9 hours of a bar/bri lecture covering everything from Wills to Domestic Relations. My head was about to explode, but I still managed to do 20 NY Multiple Choice Questions at the library. On my way home, as I was reciting the grounds for a divorce to myself, I took out my barbri book on the train. All of a sudden I see this weird looking guy staring at my book. I ignore it because a) people are weird, and b) it's NY so nothing ever shocks me, and c) well looking over a person's shoulder is pretty harmless...right? The guy was dressed with a cap and his clothes are kind of shabby, and I hear him say "Are you an attorney?" I answer "hopefully soon", and turn away and go about my business. (What is wrong with you, why did you answer him now you know he will talk to you the rest of the ride) He then proceeds to ask me if I need help answering the questions, and he could answer them for me. "What law do you want to know I can tell you" he says. ("Who the F**k are you the bar/bri fairy?) Instead I give a polite/sarcastic answer about how that won't help since "I" need to take the exam and "I" need to learn the law. He then begins to actually read one of my questions and tells me the answer is (A). (Okay SOB, wanna play?) I turn to the back of the book and low and behold it is (D)!! OH yeah, I proceed to point out how he is wrong!(I am so mature) But instead he becomes combative and tells me they are teaching wrong law and not real world and he should know.. Really? and how may I ask sir would you know that the NY board of examiners is wrong? "Because I am a paralegal!" Of course, By George I think he got it! (Someone obviously dropped this boy on his head when he was a kid.) "Sir I am sorry you feel the answer is wrong, but it is the black letter law, and if they say it is right then it is right (Why again am I still talking to this man?) "I am talking Federal law, not that law you just said" he exclaims. (huh? the other law? You mean black letter Assh&le!) He starts raising his voice "If you are going to believe that book and not check for the real answer then you will fail the bar!" and then he made some other meth induced comment about "Thank God for the Appeal process" (What did you say? I'm sorry I was distracted by all the brain cells jumping out of head... Okay that's it! I am going to jam my pencil in his eye!!) Instead I say "Well when you are an attorney then you can do whatever you want!" In a voice much louder than needed to be he asks "Is that book approved?" "Show me the cover!" (OMG! Is he kidding me? We are not in your imaginary world of paralegals are lawyers... Again why am I still talking to him? The guy is on crack) Somewhere between him telling me how he does maritime, family, criminal law, he knows the courts, he knows the law, and "you are reading legalese do you know what that means?"......A lady interrupted and asked the man to leave me alone and stop bothering me. "I have freedom of speech! and I was talking to himself." As soon as I grabbed my bar/bri book the side of the page brushed his arm, and he YELLS "Don't touch me that is Assault!" (I'll show you assault) Instead my stop finally arrived and I ran out of there as fast as I could. I was not sure if I wanted to know what firm he worked for so I can tell them they hired a psycho path that doesn't know the law from his ass (and he sniffs white out during lunch). Instead I ran to cvs to hide in case he was following me. I hate my life.

Not such a bad crowd

2009-02-09T20:37:00.003-05:00

Here are just a few people who failed the bar the 1st time - not sure if I should be relieved or worried.....

MBE Simulated - You suck

2009-02-09T20:19:00.004-05:00

It seems like only yesterday I was sitting in an Eyes Wide Shut party having an anxiety attack crying about the bar exam. Now here I am 14 days away and what do I have to show for it? I have dreams of circling words, I have nightmares of circling words, I recite rules to my friends, parents, and the Midwestern to every topic that comes up in conversation. I pray to Jehovah, Jesus, Allah, Dalai Lama whoever will listen and perhaps help a girl out the day of the bar. I have a bruise on my leg as big as Rhode Island from running to the simulated MBE, 5 extra lbs of soda, coffee and goldfish, and a pending lawsuit to the law school for negligence of mopping the floor right before an exam. Ahh, I hate my life. The Midwestern asked me today if I had a choice to do an extra year of law school or do what I am doing now and take the bar which would I chose. HMMM, all of a sudden an extra year of law school sounds like a Barney's sale to me. Well, I did learn some things this weekend. 1) People who chew peanuts during an exam deserve to be shot 2) People who crack their knuckles during an exam should get osteoporosis 3) People who tap their pencil on the table during an exam should have one jabbed in their eye for each time they tapped their fre**Kin pencil! Okay, now that I let that out...I will make a mental note for the actual test day. 1) Bring earplugs, 2) Don't forget my wallet at home, 3) Leave at least 3 hours in advance even if I live 20 min away, and 4) oh yeah bring diapers because like hell if I need to get up during the exam because I drank too much water. We are doing this the NASA way!

Wills, Trusts and Estate

2009-01-27T17:49:00.003-05:00

Am I the only person who loves typing the afterborn? Ohh Bar/bri, after 2 days of Wills I am not sure why I sort of have this morbid interest toward it. You taught me "You cant screw your spouse when you die". Well, I really don't think anyone will be doing much screwing at all under 6 ft of dirt but I suppose that stupid saying works because I can't get it out of my head. We spent hours learning about dead people, not sure what I like more except maybe watching "Intervention" because then I can always tell myself at least I am not a crack whore.

Why its all going to be okay

2009-01-27T16:02:00.004-05:00

Because we will always have nights at the Four Seasons. Yes, one of the many things that keep bitsandgiggles and I best of friends is that 1) we both love gossip (oh and gossip girl but that is recent) 2) we both are total type A personality (who else color tabs their flashcards and books 3 hotels for the bar 6 months in advance?? We do) 3) We both LOVE to eat out at really nice places. We are foodies! I said it. Don't judge just bathe in the envy. NY is a plethora of Michelin star restaurants and top chefs, why not? It doesn't matter that we will both always be a little broke because of it. Without Daniel, Bouley, Batali, Morimoto, Jean George, Keller, Ducasse, and more wonderful beautiful people who cook so well that my mouth waters just thinking about it. Not to mention, the people watching and the nights when we can pretend we are rich. It doesn't matter if neither of us had mink coats on Saturday, because we also do not have botox (not yet that is). I may not own a 2 bedroom on CPW or UES, but my dog wears burberry too and I have furry earmuffs and gloves to match the best of them. So whenever I think I am having a bad day or when I wish things would get better...I just remember there are still plenty of places left for kim and I to be glamorous even if only for one night.

Wait for me Kentucky!

2009-01-21T16:12:00.005-05:00

I had a half ass meltdown the other day. We are 5 weeks....5 WEEKS away! And to me that is not enough time. A typical day for me is 4 hours of lecture, 30 min for lunch, 4 hours of reviewing and outlining my notes at the lovely NYPL, and then go home. I leave myself about 1 hour for dinner and by now it is probably 7 or 8 pm, so I then do either 1-2 essays and often 33 MBE too. Assuming it is not Monday and then I give myself 45 min for gossip girl (since I fast forward through the commercials). Now they started to assign MPT's so that is somehow going to have to be incorporated before 11:00 pm which is when I put an end to all of this madness and I watch one episode of Rome. Ahhh....then to sleep to begin the routine all over again. But weekends are harder for me, I sleep in and after a big breakfast (sometimes brunch) I start working on bar stuff. I am occasionally distracted with the dog, or the Midwestern or bad lifetime movies. So it may be a 12 hour day but choppy. Well this Saturday, I was given the proposition to have a study break and go do NY Restaurant Week (which I never miss) at Country. The same place where the Midwestern proposed for the 2nd time. So I hesitated and then said screw it. Threw on my burgundy velvet blazer, my rabbit fur earmuffs, and black BCBG stilettos and I was off! Except somehow my goal was to leave by midnight. So how did it become 2:00 am. I was so mad at myself and at the Midwestern because even though no one put a gun to my head I felt I had to hold someone responsible. Why didn't he say no to the last bourbon? Why didn't I say I had to go home after dinner? I thought about how in 5 hours I could have done 5 essays and I started counting down how many weeks, then days, then hours left until the bar. I think a cold sweat came over me at 2:45 am on the path train going home. I have decided something has to give. No, it won't be the Four Seasons this Saturday for bitsandgiggles birthday because I can never turn down an offer to wear my coat with the fur collar and a little black dress. But I do need to start saying no to the 3 am nights that include lots of bourbon. Don't people understand I need to do MBE's until my eyes bleed and write essays until my fingers fall off!! So in protest I spent 4 days straight in sweats, studying and I don't think more than one shower existed. Sorry to share that news with you, but Bar/bri gave us off for Martin Luther King and then for Obama and well I got lazy. I also did 4 essays and listened to 4 hours of property lecture and a MPT. I did still see 1 movie, 1 episode of Rome, Obama, and played with the dog. But there was no dinner at Country or drinking fancy martinis, so I somehow feel I have cleansed myself. God help me on Saturday.

To fellow Bar/bri students

2009-01-13T19:53:00.003-05:00

This message goes out to the girl who sits in the live lecture room on the left side about 3 rows from the front with the tattoo on her back. Yes you! Why in the world do you insist on taking off your Uggs in class? But more importantly why do you insist on not wearing socks? Did someone once tell you that you have cute toes - well they lied! No one really wants to see your un pedicured feet while we are trying to concentrate on the Statute of Frauds. Also I am not sure if perhaps you are going through menopause at an early age too but keep your clothes on all over. I saw you take off your sweatshirt today and sit in class with your very large saggy boobs popping out of your tank top. You do realize it is winter? It is January!

Now this next message goes to the guy who was sitting behind me today. Do not think I did not see you take your shoes off too. I will thank you for keeping your socks on unlike stripper girl to the left of us, but nevertheless please try to keep your shoes on. I do not want to smell your feet and I do not want to see your feet (whether they have socks on or not). Contracts is hard enough without the two of you distracting me even more.

Thank you

Your not my Rock of Lust

2009-01-09T23:57:00.004-05:00

Okay there is only one thing better than Rock of Love. No not a re-run of Flava of Love. It is Rock of Love Bus 3. Listen, after doing 60 MBE questions on a Friday night I have every right to watch trashy reality tv with a hairband rockstar who wears eyeliner.

P.S. Casting for Season 2 of Life of a bar student in 2 weeks

Question of the Day?

2009-01-09T21:39:00.003-05:00

Why does the NY Public Library smell like baked bread?

Stolen Lines #1

2009-01-07T15:14:00.003-05:00

"I tried to think of the right answer. Unable to think of that, I spoke anyway."
It was midnight or so on my wedding night, and she asked me if anything had changed. I said yes, I couldn't resist. The amount of champagne had taken over my rational conscious stream of thought and I blurted out what I really thought. People grow apart, it's okay that we are not as close as before. Our lives are different now, ad we just need to accept that. This was one of the most important days of my life and I needed you and you failed me. You dissapointed me and I did not feel that you were there when I needed you most. I will always love you, but this is for the best. The words may not have been exact since the alcohol still makes it all sort of fuzzy. Either way, it's been 6 months and we still have not spoken and I am okay with that. I occasionally have a thought of how she is doing but nothing that warrants a phone call. Sometimes if you cant think of the answer you need to speak anyway.

I stole the first two sentences from "Night of the Avenging Blowfish", by John Welter.

BAR/BRI

2009-01-07T14:36:00.004-05:00

Well I have not had a chance to write in the blog yet about what I have had to endured since December 17th. Here is the update: I have listened to 67 hours of lectures, I have walked about 550 NYC blocks, I have completed 369 multiple choice questions, I have outlined 5 essays, I have carried about 80 lbs of books, I have spent 28 hours at the NYPL, and I have typed about 17,417 words of notes. The funny news is that I still have about 48 days left until the bar which makes me sick to my stomach. In the interim, here is a brief description of just some of the other crazy nutcase people taking the bar with me: A pregnant lady, a bride to be, a crazy russian lady who takes her seat very seriously, a girl who doesn't believe in shoes or SOCKS! A lot of ESL people, and best of all me - A cynic with a type A personality who has a slight case of ADD and likes reality shows, stilletos, and eating out. So explain to me why I just went to Office Depot to buy a posterboard so that I can draw a chart of the Bar/bri paced program, with a column for Qty of MBE questions, essays, with % scores. What's next a pie graph?

Last Law School Class

2008-12-04T23:49:00.008-05:00

Soon this blog will be filled with endless posts of horror stories as I study for the bar, and excerpts of days which will be filled with crying, night sweats, and shots of vodka at 2 in the afternoon. But today it will be filled with the sad yet happy tale of completing my last law school class EVER. It is 11:30 p.m. which is a normal hour for me to be traveling home on a school night. I have spent the last 3 1/2 years for 4 days a week between 6:00 pm - 10:15 pm sitting in class listening to lectures, sometimes a break here or there to get bad coffee. I have searched many Internet sites, and put up with terrible (the nun) and wonderful professors (the nun). I have hated and loved my class mates, and also spent endless hours typing notes, outlines, and studying for finals for 2 weeks straight. I have lost sleep, gained weight, lost weight, eaten tons of junk food, starved, drank lots of coffee, showered, not showered, wore sweatpants for 10 days. The point is for those that have attended law school (especially the evening students) you all know what it is like to work a 40 hour work and sit in class for 16 hours, making an average week 70 to 80 hours if you include homework and finals. And even if you didn't work...Any law student can relate to hating their life, thinking of dropping out at least 10 times a day, hating finals, hating school, did I mention hating life. So what does this all get me? Well besides that I found my very first grey hair this year, and the fact that the idea of law school gives me a migraine. I now sit here after my last law school class and I am drinking a $10.00 bottle of champagne alone in my pajamas eating baked Cheetos while sitting in front of the TV watching Will and Grace. This is what law school has done to me. Somehow, as sad as that scene may sound it is the best feeling in the world. And I look forward to where I will be in 11 days when I have completed my last law school final. I expect I will be drinking a $20.00 bottle of champagne and probably still eating Cheetos in my pajamas watching Will and Grace, but at least I know in my heart that I accomplished 1 step of what is to come. There is still the bar exam, and then passing the bar, and then walking down the aisle for graduation, then getting sworn into the bar, and then the day when I sign Esq. for the very first time. There is still a lot more to overcome and a lot more to look forward to. I know one of my best friends has been down this path, and I still brag about how proud I am of her (yes you!), and I just hope someone will feel the same for me in 6 months. Because sh*t it is anticlimactic!

Thanskgiving Recap

2008-12-04T23:40:00.004-05:00

So I spent 4 days eating tofurkey, drinking wine, and watching bad movies. For me this is the best way to celebrate thanksgiving at the in-laws. There was a visit to Vermont and some antique window shopping. Not to mention plenty of intense democratic rhetoric and republican bashing (thank god my dad is not here). Either way I managed to buy bitsandgiggles a gift from "out of town", and I ate lots of pie. Speaking of pie, I managed to pull off my very first cheesecake. And not just any cheesecake, but maple syrup WW approved cheesecake. It was a hit, or so everyone said it was in order to make me feel better. The pie also managed to get me into an argument with the Midwestern, because for some reason I felt that he rather drink beer with his friends then keep up with tradition and bake pie. I must have had way too much estrogen pumping through me that night, because normally I would jump at the opportunity to run around the house naked with a bottle of prosecco baking pie. Either way, that was the sum of the long weekend, and some how I squeezed in 2 hours of criminal procedure and played bongo drums (don't ask).

Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T11:24:00.005-05:00

Considering I have had some pre-bar blues, I figured what better time for Thanksgiving. The one holiday when you reflect on all the things good in life and 4 days of eating and drinking. So here it goes: (in no particular order)
1) I am thankful for my mom and dad, they are always there for me and they have been my rock through everything good and bad. I love you guys!
2) I am thankful for my bro, even though I see you only when you do not have band practice, I have to beg you to go to college, and you rather spend your money on guitars than school tuition...I still love you. Your a good kid brother and please don't ever change.
3) I am thankful for the rest of my family (especially you grandmama!) you all love me very much and I am grateful for that.
4) I am thankful for my friends, there have been some which are no longer around and I am happy I have weeded out you guys. The friends that have stuck it out are true friends and I thank you for being wonderful.
5) I am thankful for bitsandgiggles, yes you get your own shout out! Thank you for being there for law school, a wedding, and now the bar exam. You are wonderful and I am lucky to have you around. Who else loves fine dining and being cynical more than we?
6) I am thankful for the midwestern, you have survived the 100 hour work weeks with me while seeing me at my worst: when I am hungry, tired, and with no make up. You have stuck it out through the terrible 3 years of law school, many travels around the world, my dog, living with me, dealing with my obsessive personality, my stilleto tastes compared to your granola lifestyle. You haven't smothered me with a pillow while I am sleeping yet, and you actually married this high maintenance woman. Kudos to you! And if you survive being my husband while I am studying for the bar, you have a free pass to heaven. Good luck!
7) I am thankful for my dog, you are always happy to see me when I come home, you never answer me back, you give me lots of kisses, and you keep me warm at night. You kept me company when it was just the two of us, and you are a loyal friend. Never leave me, and please stop barking in my ear. Love you!
8) I am thankful for my job, even with the new girl. Without you job, I would not be able to afford the nights out at Bouley or any other michelin star restaurant. So what if I can't pay the cable or the electricity with the salary you give me- those things are over rated.
9) I am thankful for the coffee cart guy, even when the weather is crummy you always make me smile because. You are always happy even though you have to sit in that cold cart all morning dealing with slimy stock brokers. You know exactly how I like my coffee and you always ask me how I am. Thank you.
10) I am thankful for you martini glass, you are the one who holds the one thing that makes a crappy day into a nice day. I don't know what I would do without you. (I will see you at 5pm)

It could be worse

2008-11-25T18:19:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving is around the corner, and so are finals and so is the bar exam and so is the last day of work as a paralegal (hopefully). My patience has run thin these past few days. Yesterday, I spent the day thinking about how to booby trap the door to my office to prevent the new girl from coming in. Then I snapped again today when she emailed me for the 200,000th time. I am sick and tired! I am tired of everything. I am tired of making copies, dealing with stupidity, studying for exams, the Socratic method, making small talk, the man in dunkin donuts who talks too loud on his cell phone, the stupid law student who let his friend cut the entire line at the cafeteria, the fact that there is nothing to eat at home but week old cheese, running out of veggie bacon, burning veggie bacon, the fact that cable sucks all the time, the fact that I pay $140 a month for cable to suck all the time, telemarketers, closet doors, the fact that I have no closet doors. I am just tired. I am counting the minutes until tomorrow when I get to leave work and enjoy a 4 day weekend and eat tofurkey with a bottle of red wine. I will not think of bar applications, or law school exams (okay I lied yes I will). But I will not dwell on how to prevent the snack shack guy from leaving, or how to make the new girl leave. I keep telling myself I am just in a slump, and it will all get better. Then I remind myself that "No instead it will get worse". Instead, I will break out into tears while doing practice questions, or run into the bathroom during Bar/bri class because I am confused about the law of perpetuities, or speed dial bitsandgiggles for some sanity after the simulated MBE. Oh, I have so much to look forward to.

New Girl

2008-11-24T18:21:00.004-05:00

Dear New Girl at my job:
1) Stop wasting my time and asking me for my work. If you have nothing to do, not my problem. Stop trying to steal my billables.
2) Stop kissing a*s, it is not becoming of you.
3) Do not talk to me when I am eating lunch. If I have noodles hanging out of my mouth it is usually a tell tale sign I am busy.
4) I know you think we are friends, but you are mistaken.
5) Stop asking me how I am or how is school, because let's be honest you don't give a shit and neither do I.
6) Do not call me or email me or stop by my office 3 times in one day or I will have to suffocate you with your own turtleneck.
7) Do not poke around my office when I am not there, or I will have to chop off your fingers.
8) Stop acting like you have enough work to keep you there until 7 pm, we all know you are really surfing the net.
9) Stop coming in before 9 am. Our work day starts at 9:30 a.m., you are making everyone else look bad.
10) I would prefer if you don't acknowledge me at all it would just make the world a better place.

Thank you Train Lady

2008-11-08T13:01:00.004-05:00

So I walked out of the MPRE, and for those that have no clue what that is. It is the Ethics exam the Bar requires you take in order to get admitted to practice. So in other words, I could pass all excruciating 21 hours of the Bar exams in 2 states but without this damn 2 hour and 5 min test I can't practice (what the hell is the 5 min for anyway to tear up the exam in case you have a nervous breakdown?) Anyway, I was getting on the train in Tribeca passing all these places I love Centrico, Landmarc and knowing it is way too early to eat but never too early to have a drink. I knew if I was taking the MPRE with bitsandgiggles we would totally hit up the Bubble Lounge and grab a $16 glass of champagne. Because she knows how we like to do it up right. Okay back to the story. Getting on the train, I see this lady with her 2 kids. I immediately begin to worry that they are going to sit next to me, because we all know how much I love anybody younger than 18. So of course the family comes and sits down next to me. Just my luck I thought. "Are you studying for the bar?" I look up...the mother is speaking to me. I nod "Yes I am". Her daughter (in a very fashionable petticoat) asks "Mommy what is the bar?" I want to chime in "the bane of my existence". But instead the mother answers "Well honey it is a very hard test, which takes a lot of studying and it is very important. Mommy and Daddy took it together and we locked ourselves in the apartment for 6 weeks and even fought a lot but it was worth it." A smile slowly comes to my face, what a cute story damn I wish the Midwestern was in law school doing this with me. The little girl made this face which looked like she just drank sour milk and she said "Ooh does it have math? That sounds bad". (Yeah math does suck. Right on sister!). The mother turns to me and then asks "Are you studying for Feb exam?" I respond "Yes". She then smiles this comforting and warm smile (one that a mother would give to her child) and says "Good luck". I don't know if it was because I hated my multi grain bagel because they put raisins in it (if I wanted a raisin bagel I would have ordered one), or the over abundance of emotion for finishing this damn MPRE, or the fact that I only had 5 hours of sleep. Whatever it is I was touched. I never felt so good to be sitting next to a mother with 2 kids. As I got up to get off on my stop, I looked at her and said goodbye, and she looked at me again and said again "Good luck" and the little little girl smiled this big smile at me. And at that moment, for reasons I can't explain, but I just knew it was all going to be okay.

Waiting on line at the Guggenheim

2008-11-08T12:32:00.005-05:00

Okay that was my cheezy attempt at a rhyme. Last night was another successful First Friday. I had to run the dinner alone, which for some reason made me nervous since there might be people there who knew bitsandgiggles but not me. Thoughts ran through my head on how I would come up with witty comments the way she does in hopes of not having an awkward silence. But in the end, dinner was fine. I ate a whole lot of raw fish for $25.00 and PETA I am sure would not be too happy with me. I am wondering if I contribute that much this month do I get a free pass? Anyway, after dinner we ran over to the Guggenheim which as a New Yorker I was ashamed I had never been. But then again how many people knew there was a Jewish Museum on 92nd street. If your Jewish you don't count on knowing that. I now know because I walked the wrong way, but that is besides the point. Once I figured out the difference between north and south on 5th avenue. We waited on line with a whole lot of people to get in. The 2 people in front of somehow reproduced into 6 people when boy George with the ugly houndstooth scarf brought all his yuppie friends with valley girl accents. Which brings me to the diverse crowd at the museum. The crowd was a mix of Williamsburg hipster with rich Upper East Side kids dressed to the nines and then the of course overlap of gossip girl followers. Trust me I was not judging, I was actually feeling a little under dressed. But after fighting for a glass of wine (served in plastic which took away some of the elitist quality to the event) I was convinced the Guggenheim on First Friday was the place to see and be seen. At any moment, I felt like someone was going to run up to me and ask me if I saw what Serena was wearing, but my luck it did not happen. Aside from the dead Pinocchio in the pool (which made me a little teary eyed), the place was quite fun. I did have to visually block out the image of the woman with needles stuck in her skin and pervert carved on her chest with a baby sucking her saggy breasts for most of the night. Just the thought of it now makes me glad I don't do drugs (and that I have perky boobs). Is it too late to marry a gay plastic surgeon?

Obama Baby

2008-11-05T20:24:00.002-05:00

To all those that think the only reason Obama won was because every republican stayed home and did not vote yesterday. The truth is all the republicans DID vote but they voted Obama Baby!
Palin what are you going to do now? I hear Russia needs a new president.

I am singing this until Tuesday

2008-11-02T18:29:00.008-05:00

And it is only 10:00 a.m.

2008-10-30T10:11:00.004-04:00

You know the day can only get better when you start the morning with a sentence that includes both the words "black" and "big" to an attorney at your firm. Then I somehow managed to spend 10 minutes crazy glueing (is that even a word?) my burberry glasses together (times are tough), and then another 20 minutes trying to rip my fingers off because they were krazy glued to the glasses, and then another 30 minutes cleaning the glue off my finger tips. Really the day can only get better from here.

Not before Coffee Please

2008-10-27T15:05:00.006-04:00

The new associate at my firm came into my office today (Note: before my morning coffee) and started asking me a range of questions and talking a million miles a minute. I don't know about anyone else, but before my morning coffee it is way too early for you to come in and babble aimlessly because I will probably hear only 1/2 of what you are saying. Not to mention, GET TO THE POINT! So, I stop her mid sentence and say "Huh, okay I am not sure what you are asking. What do you need to know?" (In other words if you do not leave quickly I might throw a binder at you) She then went on to show me a document that was marked up by my partner. She turns to me and states "I do not know why I am working on this document, I thought this was sent to court already." Again confused as to why I should care what document she is working on, and also confused as to why she is questioning a document that was given to her by my partner. If the partner at my firm gave me her grocery list, shit who am I to question why she is buying whole milk instead of soy? Nevertheless, let's continue....Again she rambled for about 10 minutes, at this point the lack of caffeine is giving me a headache so I stop her again. I then say "Okay let me check the case file and see what we find". I pull the case file and can not locate this mysterious document that she claims exists. Instead of saying "It's okay I hear voices too" I tell her "Okay looks like it is not here, so just do as told (slave) and process the document in your hand." She then excitingly points to a stack of paper clipped documents and says "There it is!" Happy that maybe now she will leave my office so that I can go inject some espresso in my veins, I grab the paper she pointed at and look at it. It is a document that is all marked up with red ink from my partner (hmm, looks a lot like what she is holding in her hand). I look at her with this strange dazed look (Did you eat paint as a child?) "A, you realize this is just work product..This does not tell me whether the court received it." She looks at me confused and says "But I thought....(she thinks??) 10 minutes pass, and still me minus coffee. She walks into my office again. I pick up the stapler, she is going down. She exclaims "Oh, I forgot that I asked the secretary to send it" (F**k the coffee, now I need a shot of whiskey to help me understand how you graduated law school). "A, glad that all worked out, have a nice day"

Why I hate Law School

2008-10-22T20:25:00.008-04:00

Jerk Law Student: Are YOU in THIS class???
Me: Yes. (What the f&ck you never noticed the hispanic girl with wild curly hair behind you, or were you too busy surfing the net for porn?)
Jerk Law Student: Really, because I never knew you were in this class.
Me: Yes, I have always been in this class (Well now you know AS&H*LE!!)
Jerk Law Student: Really? Because I have never seen you or um..noticed, I always thought this class was an all male class.
Me: I don't know why you would think that? (Now the whole class is staring at me - Thanks Jerkoff!! I am about to punch you in the balls if you don't stop saying how you NEVER see me and NEVER knew I existed)
Jerk Law Student: I mean no offense, I just haven't seen you. I don't know why I didn't know you were in this class.
Me: Hmm, maybe because I was out last week. (Maybe because you have half a brain and I am not sure how you got accepted into law school maybe you lied on your LSAT essay and said you were saved from a sex camp in Romania and since you spent most of your life being someone's bitch you decided to be a lawyer so you can fight justice)
Jerk Law Student: Maybe? I mean no offense...Really
Me: No, dont' worry (Don't worry I will not kill you right now, but maybe when your not looking I might stick something sharp in your leg when you walk by me - watch your back punk!)

Intellicrib

2008-10-16T20:29:00.002-04:00

I have decided I am ordering one for when I have a kid, because if I can not hire Maria and ship her down illegally and pay her below minimum wage then I need a back up plan.

Shark Week

2008-10-16T18:32:00.004-04:00

I have come to the conclusion real estate brokers are the devil's spawn. I do not want to offend anyone who might actually have a soul in their body and is in this profession, but I truly believe they ask you to leave your morals at the door when you are hired. The midwestern and I have a secret vice and visit open houses on Sundays after brunch. I think we partly do it because we like to see how the other side lives, and the other part of me somehow really wants to believe I should have been rich and the stork just made a mistake dropping me off in Queens. Either way, I have come to meet a lot of these sharks and I have grown to dislike them more and more. They will convince you to sell your dog or pimp him out if they thought it would get them a commission.

Can't Touch This

2008-10-16T16:10:00.008-04:00

Yesterday, I rode the bus to New Jersey. I have not been on a bus since the First Friday of our First Fridays. That was not as scary as this. It was a bus to Ridgewood which I do not know a lot about except that apparently it is a town of alcoholics. I sat down in an empty aisle seat and this blond woman in her 50's with a skirt and a suit jacket looks at me and yells "Don't Touch Me". I lift my left eyebrow with this look of both confusion and dismay. I then say in a very Queens voice "Excuse me??" I was thinking that perhaps the lady had turrets syndrome so I wanted to give her another chance to speak again. She looks at me with this glazed look and said "It's okay, it's fine." Now my face has this deer caught in headlights look, did she just excuse me as if I was apologizing. For some strange morbid reason, I decided to stay in my seat. That was until she started staring at me. I ignored her, and proceeded to text madly to the midwestern to say my farewell because I was not going down without a fight and I was afraid I would be locked up with a butch woman in Bergen county Jail. All of a sudden I saw her head sway and slump over on the window, she was either going to throw up (or so it seemed) or die in her chair. I got up and moved my seat within 2 minutes she was passed out making funny faces at another passenger. I was safe now, but not without some inner scars. I have decided that either I need to find out where this woman goes to happy hour and slap the bartender silly for not cutting her off, or just never ride the bus again. I do not want to say that this is what happens in the burbs but it makes me happy that at least on the Path platform no one would notice me passed out on the platform snuggled amongst 100 other drunks .

BUTLER/HOUSEHOLD MANAGER NEEDED ASAP $85K-$12OK DOE

2008-10-03T10:46:00.003-04:00

I am dropping out of law school.......

"Wonderful family is looking for hands-on, experienced Butler to help manage the family’s home and act as a household manager. The family lives in the heart of Boston in a tasteful and elegant townhouse. They are looking for a polished, organized, trained butler to do daily household management, prepping and cooking, gourmet grocery shopping and household inventorying, errands, assistance with planning and executing luncheons and small affairs, vendor management, small household repairs, internet research, staff training and management and family assistant duties. This is a wonderful opportunity to work for an amazing, aesthetically oriented, philanthropic family. Ideal candidate will have excellent communication skills, be polished, extremely organized and able to wear a variety of hats. Live-out or Live-in (separate accommodations provided). Salary open DOE. Must have a clean background, wonderful references and clear driving record as a full check will be conducted. PLEASE SEND RESUMES IN A WORD DOCUMENT AS WELL AS REFERENCE LETTERS.

YOU MUST HAVE AT LEAST 5 YEARS EXPERIENCE WORKING WITH A FAMILY

PLEASE NOTE THIS JOB IS IN BOSTON MA.

2008-10-03T10:28:00.002-04:00

Am I the only one who feels weird wearing suit pants when I am not wearing the entire suit. It is like I broke up Sonny & Cher. I keep thinking that I should not wear these pants unless it is traveling with its counterpart jacket. But this morning, when I looked at what clean slacks I had...I had no choice. Of course no one will know the difference, but the suit jacket might be just a tad jealous next time I wear them together. I might have damaged the relationship forever. Yes this is actually how my brain thinks.

Bong Hits for Jesus

2008-10-02T19:53:00.002-04:00

I am sitting in children, family & state law and my professor is talking about free speech for children. The topic is of the most recent Supreme Court case that decided on an Alaskan student who carried a sign at a school function "Bong hits for Jesus". Why is it we have all these strange people coming out of Alaska? It is not bad enough that we have hockey mom Palin who can't figure out where Russia is on a map but insists she can see it from her house. Now we have crazy kids running around with signs about pot smoking and JC. Is there something in the water? Whatever it is, I am moving to Canada.

But only after the debate tonight ;)

Green with Something

2008-10-01T12:02:00.003-04:00

I do not ususally discuss work on this blog partly because I always fear that some how I will be found. Nevertheless, I need to understand why I am having cruel "Blair" thoughts of how to sabbatoge a new girl at the firm. She is slowly moving into what is supposed to be my position when I return from the bar. And even though I know no one can take away the 3+ years of experience and good relationship I have with my partner. It stil worries me that while I am studying for 14 hours a pop during the 2 months I am off for the bar exam that somehow little miss sunshine is going to start doing bar shots with my boss on Friday nights. She has called me for minor questions, and I have been helpful but never offering to do more than needed. In the back of my mind, I am thinking of how I can tamper with a brief she wrote and switch it with it an angry email to a boyfriend or maybe slip into a conversation with the boss about how she was known at school as the class drunk. But in the end, I will not do any of these things but it always makes me feel better to think about them. Law school has taught me so well how to handle competition. Kick it in the knee and then run as fast as you can.

Rejected

2008-09-30T11:38:00.003-04:00

So with the approach of graduation around the corner and about $150K in Student Loan debt. Not to mention 2 months of unemployment and bar fees that I still have not factored in. With repayment plans kicking in before the hazy days of summer begin, I am starting to think of ways to make quick money. I have considered flying to France to do a sleep study and even getting a nice pedicure in hopes that the foot fetish people might hire me. But I think I hit rock bottom when I decided to sign up to be an egg donor. I figured why not. I am smart, healthy, I do not smoke, and I can make up to $10,000. Easy enough just so they can steal some eggs, no problem. That was until I filled out the application. Have you or anyone in your family been diagnosed with ADHD? No. Are you or anyone in your family on Prozac? No. Do you smoke? No. Do you have a college degree? Yes. Woo hoo. I am on a roll...So I await my results. Here is what they sent me.

We're sorry, but you do not meet the minimum
qualifications to become an egg donor.

Thank you for your interest in our program.

I have been rejected! My eggs do not even qualify, they are not worthy. Sigh, back to salon - how is red for the toes??

It's all about the Benjamins

2008-09-29T13:26:00.016-04:00

A lot has happened since my last post, and I began to wonder what could possible spark me to start writing in my blog again. If it wasn't the two weddings I had, or the amazing honeymoon through Colombia or calling the US Embassy to get me out of Colombia. If none of these very exciting yet story worthy events did not spark me to begin writing again (whether it be due to lack of time or just plain laziness) then what would it take?? Well, it took a 3 1/2 lb lobster. I spent this weekend celebrating the new hubby's birthday and I decided to go to Atlantic City. Now AC as the Jersey people call it has gone through a variety of stages. Back in the day when the mobsters and Frank Sinatra were around it was classy and only the high rollers would go party at the casinos. They would arrive in fancy limos and eat at extravagant restaurants and the casinos were filled with glitz and glamour. Then the city soon began to get filled with old ladies with plastic cups filled with quarters and all you can eat buffets. The only thing arriving at the casinos were DeCamp buses from the Port Authority bus terminal. So when I heard that AC was going through a rebirth, I decided to give it a shot. The last time I was in AC, I picked up a guy at the casino who became my long distance, pill popping, alcoholic, hot and sexy boyfriend. Don't judge. We all have had a least one bad boy in our life. So this time, it was another man who brought me to AC, a cute Southern chef who has an eye for good ole fashion American food. My hero - Bobby Flay. After many nights of Iron Chef and a night out at Mesa Grill, the Husband became a huge fan. So I figured what better birthday dinner than to drive out to Atlantic City. I booked us a night at the new retro luxury hotel, The Chelsea. Bashaw, the owner, hired the operators of the oh so popular Beatrice Inn to run their lounge so I figured I can not go wrong. The hotel was a hit, the rooms are ultra retro with leopard print chairs (I love animal print) and a bar with 2 fireplaces and a open air patio with a hot DJ blaring great music in the back. The hotel used to be a grimy, dingy Howard Johnson so I worried the area would still smell of old sex, but the hotel is brand spanking new. You would never suspect there used to a sleezy dump where the new Stephen Starr restuarant now stands. Anyway, I have gotten off track...Back to Bobby Flay. So after I had a cucumber/prosecco vodka martini to start the night (I had to get my daily serving of vegetables somehow), we were off to the birthday dinner. The dinner started off with a great bottle of Bordeaux and a wonderful lobster crab cake and oysters. Then came time to order entrees. I made a few mistakes that evening. Mistake #1 Asking the waiter to suggest an entree; Mistake #2 Trusting the waiter. I was recommended the lobster, and the waiter told me it was a specialty at the restaurant and the lobster was very fresh. Considering I walked past a tank of lobsters, I figured he could not be lying. I also thought when can you ever go wrong with a lobster. So he insisted he would crack it open and take out all the meat for me so I would not "dirty my pretty self". Oh how i am a sucker for compliments. So I went for the lobster. When the plate arrived he showed me the before and then came the after. A huge plate of lobster meat with butter and lemon on the side. I was so excited, and dove right into my plate. This is where Mistake #3 came into play. I never specified how many pounds I wanted. So after eating a wonderful mushroom mashed potatoes made in truffle oil and a delicious cauliflower with goat cheese side dish that we both split. I was in heaven. That was until I saw the bill!! It was then that it occurred to me that my waiter friend had picked shamu the whale to serve me for my entree, because my bill said 3 1/2 lb lobster! Who in their right mind would think that a 5'2" inch woman can or needs to eat 3 1/2 lbs of lobster meat? Not to mention, who in their right mind would think I can afford to eat a 31/2 lb lobster? Did he not get the memo I am a law student that is about to be unemployed for 2 months. Considering, I did not want to make a scene. I politely asked the Husband for the Amex because I knew my credit card would laugh in my face. I tipped 18% because the small child I just ate was eating the other 2% of his tip. Damn waiter! I am going back to AC next weekend so I can begin my part time job at Lace. Thanks Bobby Flay!

Vows

2008-07-29T15:58:00.001-04:00

I still owe a post on my wedding, but in the meantime I am having second thoughts and think I should have chosen these vows:
Pastor: Will you love her when you’re fit,
And also when you’re feeling sick?

Groom: Yes, I’ll love her when we’re fit,
And when we’re hurt, and when we’re sick,
And I will love her when we’re rich
And I will love her in a ditch
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold
Ten years from now a thousandfold,
Yes, I will love for my whole life
This lovely woman as my wife!

Elvis baby

2008-07-15T21:59:00.000-04:00

Is it too late to Elope?

2008-07-08T15:43:00.003-04:00

So if I have not repeated what every bride says 1 week before the wedding. Why the hell didn't I elope? I am not saying I have not loved the planning, and I am sure I will love the food, the open bar for 5 hours, and of course the coffee hazelnut cake. But I am just sick and tired of begging people so that we can either a) do something nice for them or b) ask that God forbid they put their selfish needs aside and do something nice for us like "stop complaining"!!! I have had to deal with 2 very difficult bridesmaids (one more than the other - did I forget to mention she made herself a BM??). If they are not too busy, they are too sick, too broke, too claustrophobic, too low class and too lazy to give a crap about their friend getting married. Then I have people that think things are too far, too long, too traditional, too non traditional. Since when did everyone lose focus? It is a damn wedding which means 2 people sharing vows and then a big fat party. All you have to do is show up. Well that is unless you are one of my BM then you have to complain or if your one of the nice BM's on the other side dealing with the complainers. (sorry bitsandgiggles). So I extend my apologies to everyone who has had to deal with headaches due to difficult guests, and I express my gratitude to all those who have had to deal with what I have had to deal with. And all I ask is that day everyone just leave their dramas at the door and if the church is too small for you and you feel short of breath-GET OUT!

Liver who needs one?

2008-07-07T15:35:00.004-04:00

So this weekend was full of goodies. It started off with leaving work early and having 4 martinis with some co-workers and then momofuko for the best morel butter known to mankind. I would not suggest anyone go check this place out unless you like pork, pork and more pork. The oysters with kimchee were good but not $16.00 good. We spent a lot and ate way too little. Hence we move on..Friday I spent drinking 2 bottles (sharing with the Midwestern) of cotes du Rhone and a Bordeaux - one better than the other. Amazing what $2.00 will make a difference. This was sitting on a rooftop of a brownstone overlooking riverside park. While I contemplated why I did not get my MBA instead of law degree. Maybe then I would not be so sad as I walked past the kitchen bigger than my whole apt in Hoboken. And so we move on to Saturday which was filled with cheesy boat performers and a $105 meal (the garlic mash were worth it I suppose) but it was spent celebrating 30 again! With my childhood buddy. Then comes Sunday...oh Sunday if my liver had not seen the worst then he was about to. It started with unlimited mimosas and other champagne cocktails at Paradou. Oh how I love the French. Then off to Pastis to sit next to meatheads with no necks. And bitsandgiggles and I have decided that the lack of neck is equivalent to the size of brain cells. So then we offer to pay the cute gay couple to sit next to us so we would not have a guy with plaid shorts and polo shirt with his collar standing up staring at us like we were lunch meat. Then on to the next place to pee of course. Jane's Tavern looked decent enough as English pubs go, but since we did not want to crash on boys night, we got suckered to sitting out front of Little Owl with a pregnant lady and then opted to not wait the hour and go spent our loan money for a Austrian dinner at Wallse. Ahh! So after my wallet and liver took a break I stumbled home back to my apt only to wish I had more Sundays like this.

Kids

2008-06-30T11:29:00.003-04:00

So if anyone knows me even a little they will know that children are not on the top of my list of favorite things. Not that I am mean or cruel, I just lack motherly chracteristics. I mean my dog goes hungry and without water at times, because I am downing shots of vodka on a Friday night and forgot to put the food bowl down. These are not things I am proud of, but I have to be honest with myself. So when the idea of a wedding came up, I said NO KIDS. Of course I sucked it up for the Midwestern's cousin's baby and made her the flower girl - but I draw the line outside of blood relatives. So when I received an RSVP 2 weeks from the wedding that the Midwestern's old college buddy is bringing his 2 offspring I almost screamed. The discussion led to the "No, we can not revoke his invite" I guess this is not like a license or something? So I spent most of Sunday trying to figure out where to seat these 2 little people. I could not have them at the original table with bitsandgiggles and my 3 co-workers trust me I would hate to see my boss with cake on her face. So I moved the whole family to another table that I basically made up just for them. I know this is not a big deal and if this is the worst that can happen I will suck it up. But I swear if I hear a peep out of either of these mongrels I will go down that aisle and smother them with my veil.

Wedding in the Sticks

2008-06-24T16:21:00.002-04:00

So this weekend was the 2nd wedding (surprise surprise) that we were attending this month. This time, I was the one in the bridal party. So I spent all of Saturday and Sunday with the bride doing bridesmaidish things. Since this is my first time being a bridesmaid I will give credit to all of those who have done it before - Hail to you oh great ones! It is hard ass work. I ran around going to brunches, and lunches, and dinners and nails, and hair and feet, etc.. Not to mention the emergencies such as lipstick on gown (Tide to go!) or bustles that do not bustle. You get the point, but I will say the best part is that my friend was the sweetest bride. There was always a please and thank you after every request, so note to self (and all others). Be nice! Even if you are hot and sticky under a 30 lb dress just suck it up because these girls have sucked it up with you. With that said, there was a lot of dancing, a beautiful interfaith ceremony, and an annoying photographer that I almost beat down Queens style. I also got to sing Hava Nagila which made the midwestern question whether I was from S.A. or Israel. We had a great time - Cornell alumni you rock and the music and location was great (anything near a body of water pretty much rules)! The only mishaps on the trip was we almost ran out of gas in the middle of the sticks at 1 a.m. and we almost had our bodies chopped up into a million pieces by the Wolf Creek killer. (Another note to self) Put gas in the car before you get on the road to nowhere. Corn fields do not show up on GPS, and if anyone needed to find us not even Jack Bauer could. Hopefully the only mishap in the next wedding will be me and bitsandgiggles doing shots out of our pink flask before the ceremony.

Conclusion to Chi Town Wedding

2008-06-10T14:38:00.011-04:00

I walk up to the open bar and ask the bartender for a stiff one and he responds "can I see ID?" I giggle and say "Okay seriously I will have a double grey goose vodka martini shaken not stirred and make it fast." He looks at me with this blank stare and repeats it again..."Can I see your ID?" By this time, I was ready to start dipping a straw into the vodka bottle. So I explain to him in my ever so sarcastic voice that no one with half a brain brings an ID to a wedding. I am not at a bar or a club, I am at a wedding. A wedding where I just dropped $300 into the money box and squeezed my mashed potato butt into a tight black dress, and a wedding where my Midwestern cooked in the sun without a bathroom break for 4 hours, and a wedding where I had 30 children running around my feet screaming and making noise. At this point I need a drink so badly, the bartender should just start breaking out the funnel. I storm off, tell the groom the problem but the bartender still refuses. Luckily one of the groomsmen bought me a drink, but the rest of the evening I had to ask someone to get me drinks. So I figure dinner is about to be served it can only get better - right? Wrong! I sit down to a Pork and Veal dinner. Who in the world makes a wedding with only 2 choices, baby cow and pig? I meal at least throw some fish or veggie options. Well I was not too concerned because the bride assured me that she ordered my meal in advance. I tell the waiter I am part of the vegetarian crowd and he nods and walks away. I am so excited that my mouth is watering. He returns with a plate of arugula, 2 pieces of asparagus and a mushroom on top for decor. At this point, I am convinced this is the salad. Oh silly me!!! it was the damn entree. Now I am trying to figure out if I can some how grab my tweezers to grab the envelope back out of the money box and take back my gift to the lovely couple so I can buy myself a slice of pizza down the block. The Midwestern trying to make lemonade out of lemons asks the waiter for a plate of polenta. He brings over a side of polenta and I ate it with half a loaf of bread because I was so hungry I could have started eating my purse if it were not synthetic. I wish I could tell you I was too drunk to care or that the music was so good I was too busy dancing and that all of these mistakes meant nothing in the scheme of things. But as I listened to the temptations and other horrible old music from my parents generation. I sat around making more mental notes..."My humps", "Soldier Boy", "Gold digger". So no, I will not have centerpieces the size of a small child, and the midwestern will not wear a $800 tux and my groomsmen will not all wear stupid patent leather rental shoes(oh wait what groomsmen??)and $150 Armani ties, nor will I have ice sculptures of the Louvre in Paris. Instead, the Midwestern will wear his hot new Cole Haan's with his Jones New York Tux and Gold Italian silk tie we bought on Wall Street. And the only flowers will be petals on the table and our music may be filled with inappropriate mix of rock, alternative, pop, hip hop, salsa and reggae. But who cares

Wedding Part III

2008-06-10T14:15:00.005-04:00

So it is wedding day and this is where the fun begins. When you make six figures, a wedding is so much fun to plan, because everything goes. For example, you get 2 suites at the Four Seasons because you need one for getting dressed and one for sleeping. You also rent a trolley to take your 16 person bridal party around Chicago in 95 degree heat with 88 degree humidity for 4 hours to take pictures. Why? because you can. But somehow all the money in the world can not make the trolley's air condition work so you have 8 sweaty men in tuxedos ready to pass out and faint. So you bring beer lots of it, and chips and sandwiches, but all that does not matter when there are no bathroom breaks. Why? Because the psycho photographer and Bridezilla can not go off their time schedule. So the midwestern almost got left behind while he ran in to use the can at the museum. The only good thing is the boys got to sit in the dug out at Wrigley Field which made getting heat stroke all worth it. I on the other hand was strolling around magnificent mile shopping, enjoying the Victoria Secret Sale. I got a call from a few of the girlfriends of the bridal party who then met me for brunch at this cool spot off the avenue. Once I got back to the hotel to get dressed the midwestern walked in as red as an apple and with a rose wilted from the heat on his lapel. I told him to take a cold shower before the ceremony, but he said bridezilla would not let them - something about more pictures. Jesus I mean I love my bridesmaids but I do not need 5 hours of pictures of them. So I forced him to shower and off he went to the ceremony. I finished getting dressed and met them all at the restaurant and threw an extra pair of shoes for the midwestern in a bag. Because the patent leather tux shoes rentals were pinching his feet. Apparently the groomsmen were not allowed to take those off either. I just about had it with all the do's and dont's of this OCD wedding. I figured if anyone said anything, I would just beat them with the heel! The ceremony felt ten hours long, and the homily lasted longer than an inagural address. I di sort of laugh though because even the minister made fun of the bride and her type A to the fifth power personality. Then there was a rose ceremony, a unity candle ceremony, lighting candle for the families ceremony. I thought if they drag this on anymore I will stand up and scream "fire". Instead 5 screaming flower girls ran around the altar while the priest spoke and the bride and groom said their vows. While I made mental note to call my doctor to tie my tubes as soon as I got back to NY. After the wedding march (I hate the wedding march), it was off to cocktail hour. The apps were good but little did I know my night had just started.

Weddings Part Deux

2008-06-10T13:57:00.004-04:00

So this Friday I was off to Chi town to celebrate the Midwesterner's best man's wedding. He was getting married in Chicago with his wonderful fiance and this was supposed to be the wedding of the lifetime. We took a 5 am taxi to the airport and arrived in Chicago way too early. But that's okay by the time we rode the L to the hotel, they let us check in early. Yeah! for wedding party perks! So after checking in, we decided to splurge on some deep dish pizza. Being from the East coast the closest I have come to that was Uno's, and was not too impressed. That was until I tried my cheese and spinach deep dish at Gino's East and fell in love with the midwest. After consuming way too many calories we were off back to the hotel to meet the rest of the wedding party. The Midwestern took off while I went to the spa and learned a hard lesson. There is no such thing as hard wax in Chicago or the state of Illinois for that matter. I forgot to visit Flor before I left and I called ever damn salon in that windy city and no one knew what I was talking about. Finally I ended up at Elizabeth Arden Red Door and met the nicest Ukrainian lady named Svetlana who took care of me. I liked her so much and she was so sweet, we discussed shopping and eating, while she had my legs spread eagle. So $1000 dollars later, I paid her for the most expensive wax job of my life and went back to getting ready for the rehearsal. The rehearsal was at Gibson's where I ate a pound of raw tuna with cheese mashed potatoes and Key Lime Pie all while wearing my lime green shoes and patent leather clutch - Yes I matched the desert. How the hell was I supposed to fit into any dress tomorrow eating and drinking like this? I was put in charge of watching the $150 Armani ties of all the groomsmen and was probably carrying around a grand worth of cranberry silk ties. The night ended at some bar and I took off because I luckily left my ID at the hotel and was not allowed into the dive shamrock bar after midnight. The idea of walking on sticky beer floor while wearing my hot green stilettos made me nervous. So I went back to our very expensive not worth $200 night hotel. At 4 am, I woke up to the sound of the Midwestern as he walked in and told me he basically talked the groom off the ledge. I was not sure if the groom was freaking out because he thought I ran off with the ties or if he was just freaking out because his bride-to-be spent a small down payment on flowers. Either way I was tired and did not care so I rolled over thinking of the wedding tomorrow and whether I can fit my butt into a satin dress or if I had to run out and buy spanx.

Weddings, Weddings and More Weddings

2008-06-10T13:50:00.002-04:00

Well, a lot has happened since my last post. I had a wonderful bridal shower that resulted in a ride around central park in a gondula with a man wearing a funny outfit. Champagne toast on the rooftop of the Ritz waiting for the sunset and oh I forgot to mention the crab benedict and goat cheese salad. So thanks to my wonderful friends some who traveled very far (well I am not sure which is farther Queens, Chicago or Sayerville :)I had wonderful memories, gifts and just a grand day. Since my last post I have also had the pleasure of escaping wedding stuff to share in something of greater importance bitsandgiggles graduation and celebration of passing both bars (damn over achiever) And had a wonderful meal at Del Posto with wine oh so much wine! And also during the last month I found a wonderful organist, bought both wedding bands and spent way too much and started summer school. But let us not forget the weekend wedding in Chicago. Oh the stories...to be continued in Part Deux

TC

2008-05-05T16:14:00.005-04:00

So I am sitting here on a Monday afternoon after finishing my adoption law 48 hr exam early and enjoying my freshly painted toes. When I turn on the TV and see Tom Cruise. Not really a big deal, but then I realize that Oprah is interviewing him to celebrate 25 yrs of acting. So as I open up my products liability book, I hear "You've lost that loving feeling" in the background. Then I realize that if there is a movie I can see more than once - Top Gun is absolutely one of them. Maybe that is why when I was at Cravath even the boys were naming their tape guns Maverick. Because the truth is I think everyone loves that movie. And then we have The Firm. Ahh, who can forget that scene where the music is blaring and he whispers in his wife's ear, and she runs out screaming and crying. Or what about the scene where he dances around in his underwear and socks in Risky Business singing "Old time rock and roll". Then of course I am not sure when I cried more either in "A few Good Men" (I think this was when I decided to interview for JAG) or "Born on the 4th of July". There is really no point to this blog entry except that I just realized how much I really like Tom Cruise as an actor and even though he is into Scientology I forgive him because "he had me at hello."

Oye Como Va

2008-05-03T19:44:00.002-04:00

The other night I booked a hotel for the 5 days/4 night stay at the island of San Andres in Colombia. Okay so what is the big deal you say? Well then maybe no one will think it is weird that this is the 3rd hotel I have booked for the same days in the same location. I refuse to cancel any of my hotel reservations and why may you ask? Because Colombia for some reason does not own credit card machines and believes in good old fashion "I give you my word". I have contacted numerous hotels who have told me okay miss we will see you on August 13th? I then proceed to ask if I need to give a deposit. The guy on the other line says "No, just call us a week in advance to remind us." What! Are they kidding. So it is no wonder I now have 3 hotels just in case, because the last thing I want is to be in a 3rd world country run by drug cartels with no place to sleep with a blue eyed gringo on my hands. Trust me, I will not be calling myself Mrs. Midwestern at any point before we return to the good ole U.S. of A. And in case any one happens to be passing through Colombia I have a reservation for each one of you.

Freak show

2008-04-18T22:58:00.004-04:00

So yesterday class was cancelled, and I decided to go to the gym. After 30 minutes on the elliptical machine I figured if I was paying a million dollars and eleven cents a month for this gym membership than I might as well take a class. So there was a Yoga class on the schedule and I said to myself "Eh, can't be that bad." That was until I had my ankles behind my ear and was standing on one leg. Are they kidding? Nobody should be able to twist their body in ways that this man made us last night. I felt like a member of cirque de soleil. So after an hour and a half of downward dog and warrior pose I was done. I was so sore and my limbs were like jelly and all I kept thinking is I can not wait to take it again. I am either a sucker for punishment or I am hoping I can use some of these moves in the bedroom.

Close Calls

2008-04-18T14:38:00.003-04:00

So something happened to me that made me realize life is scary sometimes. I was cleaning the house yesterday and I grabbed my products liability textbook to put burn in the fireplace (just kidding) actually to just move it to the bedroom. When as I was walking in my white athletic socks slipped on the Mexican rug and flew across the living room. The scariest thing was I could have broke my chin open because I fell face forward onto the wood floor. The good thing is the textbook saved me. If it didn't I was definitely going to use to help me sue the company that made the Mexican rug for defective design trust me. I got up bruised up on both knees and a little shaken up. Thoughts of me falling on the coffee table and cracking my head open flashed in my mind. I mean what would spike do? Would he try to alert the neighbors or just eat me while I lie on the floor. Nevertheless, I called the midwestern and he asked "Do you need to go to the hospital?" No, I just needed a hug but I did not know how to explain that - Guys just don't get it. So I just went back to watching the High School Reunion Marathon. And I took off those damn athletic socks too.

Rock of Love

2008-04-17T14:40:00.008-04:00

So if anyone knows me well enough they are aware of my guilty pleasure of realty TV. I figure after spending years studying hours of endless boring case law and regulations I deserve it. I need to not use my brain cells and watch crazy people make complete fools of themselves on tv. The midwestern also tells me that somehow I get joy out of watching people with really f&*cked lives. Maybe it is because then my petty life issues will not seem so bad anymore. So when the midwestern came home late last night from pulling overtime at work, he was surprised to see I was still awake. That was until he realized why. Not because I am the sweet fiancee that waits up for her man, but I was waiting for another man. Bret Michaels. I sat and watched the season finale of Rock of Love, and tried to guess what in the world he saw in Daisy. The girl seemed like she was high on something at all times.Not to mention her eyebrows were non existent. But then I saw what I am sure Bret fell in love with her fake boobs and over collagened mouth. Love is not skin deep. But at 1:30 am in the morning I was shocked when he chose the less attractive girl but much smarter one, see and they say nice girls finish last. But my favorite part of the night was when they started playing Poison songs in the background and all of sudden I hear....."I wasn't looking for rock of like or rock of lust. I was looking for a Rock of Love." Yes, Bret me too! The end result is the midwestern and I have decided to make these our wedding vows. Now the question is would it be weird to say it while playing "Living on a Prayer" in church. Does that break the 80's hair band rule? Not sure, but if anyone knows please let me know.

2008-04-10T10:30:00.017-04:00

I laughed when I first learned of the McDonald's case where the woman sued McDonald's for her burns when she spilled coffee on herself. Firstly, the facts of the case were outrageous because she was driving and she put the cup of coffee in her lap. I definitely can think of easier ways to not have kids. But this morning, I finally understood why she sued. I went upstairs to my coffee room to get my instant Flavia coffee. If anyone does not know what that is, it is the machine where it takes these packets and sucks them up, eats them, and spits out coffee. It is pretty amazing and provides endless entertainment for the corporate world. So after I get my coffee I decide it is too full and I need to spill some out. Except I obviously mistook myself for a sink. Before I could scream "Attorney", the scalding coffee burned my delicate olive skin and I am positive created 3rd degree burns. If it didn't, well then it sure felt like it burnt through at least two layers of epidermis. And after running cold water on my hand which actually I think is the worst thing you can do. The first thing that came to mind was "Damn I hate that Flavia company". Even though it was obviously my fault, I still felt this psychotic anger toward this company. Which makes no logical sense, but logic at this point disappeared like the hair folicles that were seared off my skin. This coffee company probably has a headquarter office in Topeka, Kansas and has no idea that there is this clumsy law clerk in NYC that just bathed in what felt like volcanic acid. So as I sit here writing this blog entry I am also gathering my thoughts for a letter to Flavia and how they should lower the temperature of their coffee or put warning labels such as: "Please do not rub hot liquids on your skin because it may hurt as much as cutting your limbs off with a butter knife". So here I am using my $150K lawyer skills and writing a letter claiming defective coffee. Thank you J.D.

EJ got a big ole butt

2008-04-09T15:38:00.002-04:00

Purses are a wonderful item. They hold our prized possessions like condoms, make up, blackberry, wallet, even shoes. I rely on my purse to dress up an outfit or to beat off nasty guys at the club. Sometimes I love my purse so much I take it with me to walk the dog because you never know if your going to run into the cute guy with the doberman. But ladies our purse does not need its own seat on the train. I know it may seem tired from all the hard work of carrying all our stuff but it really could fit nicely on our lap. As a matter of fact it prefers to be nestled on our laps where it is close to us. It appreciates this intimacy. So unless your at Daniel where Mr. Boulud is nice enough to provide seating for your significant accessory, keep your freaking bag off the train seat so my big ass can sit down.

Wedding Dance

2008-04-06T16:20:00.003-04:00

So I hate line dancing. The chicken dance, macarena, electric slide have all been banned from the wedding. I even told the DJ to remove all disco, if I hear Abba or Donna Summers someone is going down. But back to line dancing. The idea of 50 guests lined up doing the dollar dance scares me. It brings back all terrible memories of worst weddings ever. However, in order to change it up a notch. I am thinking of maybe having my bridesmaids and I do this dance at the wedding. Why? 1) Because I love the song 2) Because I can do it better than these guys 3) To give my future MIL a heart attack. So bitsandgiggles I think MOH will agree now all we have to do is convince the Russian and we are set.

Green with Envy

2008-04-06T15:26:00.003-04:00

So after putting myself further into debt yesterday I figured it no longer mattered any more. I grabbed the credit card and said to hell with it. Screw the ice sculpture mama's buying herself a new pair of shoes. So I start the marathon. I traveled all of the Hoboken designer boutiques buying handmade jewelry, patent leather clutches, but still no shoes. I even picked up a chunky bangle that will probably be worn once, but no shoes. You see I needed a pair of green shoes. Not green camo but a nice sexy money green. The new colors for spring/summer this season in case anyone missed the latest edition of Vogue are bright colors like yellow, blue, green, pink and even orange in some areas. I already owned a pair of hot pink and I wanted something different. So I decided on green. So in my mind I am thinking pointy toe patent leather green stilettos. At this point, I am so far into debt I have decided I am wearing this dress with all the accessories for my bridal shower, the rehearsal in Chicago, maybe even bitsandgiggles' graduation. Damn I may even sleep in the dress tonight (with the necklace, clutch, earrings and bangle too - well if I need to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night at least I will be dressed fashionably). So finally I find them - and they are perfect (so we didn't find pumps but with a 4 inch heel who cares). Ahh, amazing what a new pair of shoes will do to a woman's self esteem. So here I am walking home with numerous bags and fearing I will run into the Midwestern. Too late...He looks at me from the corner. I try to hide between the liquor store and the brownstone. Maybe I can run in a get a bottle of grey goose to wallow in my sorrows after I examine my receipts? Sh*T, I've been caught. He turns and stares at me with the same look of disgust that Elizabeth Sue gave Nicolas Cage in the mall scene. "Will we be able to pay the mortgage this month?" I look at him with this face of pity and remorse, and whisper in his ear. "Probably not."

Shopping Spree

2008-04-06T14:58:00.002-04:00

When I woke up yesterday the weather was gorgeous and I finally felt like spring had arrived. So what better way to celebrate the spring but with shopping. Most people would think this is no big deal except with me it is different. You see its like putting an alcoholic in a brewery. I love to shop but my problem is I don't shop cheap. I am not sure if it is because I somehow want to believe I am rich or I feel like I should be rich, or maybe it is just because I like nice things. But "NO", see it is more than that. I like the way it feels to walk into a store and not look at the price tag, and to have the sales person cater to me like I am Ivanka Trump. If anyone has been to the shoe department in Nordstrom they know what I mean. The salespeople come over with 10 boxes of shoes of all different styles and colors and you feel like Leona Helmsley. And even though the only reason they like you is because they work off commission - who cares. Because the only reason why you are there is because you somehow have sunken to an ultimate low in your self esteem and need some reassurance as to why you are on this planet. Thus bringing me to yesterday's shopping spree. I decided to check out my neighborhood boutiques, not realizing two things 1) Hoboken residents have a sh*T load of money 2)We have someone become Soho while I was sleeping. I walk into the first shop and I should have seen the red flags when I picked up a dress that said Badgley Mischka. But I hate to be seen looking at price tags and running out. So I play cool as if I own ten of those, and keep browsing. It wasn't until the lady decided to ask me if I needed help that I froze. She looks at me and says "You are a size 2 right"? Damn your good. I didn't want to tell her I am a size 2 with a size 4 a*ss but I did not want to interrupt her as she started grabbing dresses off the rack. Next thing you know I have 4 dresses in the dressing room and she asks me what size shoe? Shoes? I came in here for a dress, well actually I came in here with an empty wallet but she doesn't need to know all that. So I walk into the dressing room and try on the first dress. I walk out in front of the floor length mirror and the woman in the room next to me was buying 2 dresses. I told the lady that I was getting married and I needed an outfit for my bridal shower. Okay first dress gorgeous black and white trapeze style dress. I loved it..Loved it so much I refused to say it for fear I might have to buy it. So I waited until I tried on another dress. The next dress was a black sexy Audrey Hepburn looking dress with pockets. Pockets! All dresses should have pockets don't you think? So I grab both and at this point feel like a drug addict in a crack house. I will take the black one, I said. I thought the Audrey Hepburn look was hot if I paired with some smokin' stilettos and a clutch. Should I go yellow, red, blue or green??? She said well this is 50% off. Whew! So off I go to the cashier. At this point, I am thinking which card is not maxed out. Is it the Citibank? No I booked the honeymoon tickets there. Is it the Bank of America? No, I think Puerto Rico is still on that one? Okay here you go. So she rings me up and I realized that that I just paid $300 for a dress that was 50% off. She must be mistaken. It did say 50% right? Well at this point, all I want to do is run as fast as I can and start seeing if the escort agency on 5th will hire me. As I am walking out the door, she says are you sure you don't want the trapeze dress I mean it is such a steal it is only $450. I nod my head and tell her I need to go pick up the Benz at the shop but will be back. And then run, Forest, run. Off to the shoe store.

Brooklyn

2008-03-22T21:02:00.004-04:00

So I had to take a trip to Brooklyn today for a close friend's bridal shower. When I heard Brooklyn, I started to think.."Oh God I hope it is nowhere near Coney Island." I should not complain, because my bridal shower will probably be in Sheepshead bay which is somewhere near the beach which has got to mean far far away. Nevertheless, when I received the email the host told me it was in Brooklyn Heights. Okay that is easy enough - right? Wrong! I head out about 11:30 am because I figured I did not know where I was going so better to get a head start. Then I get a text: A train not stopping at High Street must take A to Jay street and then turn back around and take the A train one stop to High Street. Great! Now I have to carry two very heavy bags even farther and transfer trains. Okay okay and we are off. So after I get off the station, I start looking for Adams Street. The email says "Apartment is 100 yards from train". Easy enough...Except then I read somewhere on the email "make sure you are on the right side of the bridge." Bridge? What bridge?! So I walk, and walk, and walk. Finally I ask someone "Where is Adams? " So I find it 10 minutes later and then I walk up Adams and down Adams and up Adams and down - you get the point. I am doing this all while I am holding my phone looking at Google Maps and it keeps telling me that the building was to the right but every time I went there I hit a dead end. How can GPS be telling me this is where the building is - there is nothing here but a damn wall and then the highway. Hmm? Finally after 20 minutes I find a police officer. I ask her "Do you know where this is?" She tells me the other side of the bridge. Where the F*&k ois this bridge? There must be something in the drinking water!. That is she until she points to a sign that says Brooklyn Bridge. I start panicking, do I have to cross the Brooklyn Bridge? My hands are about to fall off, and I think I have lost all circulation from the 5 lb soup I am carrying or is it the 16 piece spice rack? Nevertheless, I was ready to give up and open those babies up and just start having my own bridal shower on the bridge. Luckily the cop told me that I just had to cross this very large intersection and I would be there. So I take my badly wrapped bridal gift and I start crossing this very large intersection. 100 feet later I am at the building. As I press the doorbell it hits me....I am never moving to Brooklyn.

Safe Sex please!

2008-03-13T23:11:00.002-04:00

I realized today why it is I do not have children. No it isn't the screaming, or the whining, and it isn't the annoying "Why?" after everything you say. The reason came to me while I was home last night. I had just finished watching an episode of "The Wire", and my dog Spike would not stop whining. Now if anyone knows my dog, they will know that he has ADD, and should probably be on Prozac anyway. Well he also loves to whine, and it gets old fast. The Midwestern took him out thinking he might have to go for a walk - Nope. One hour later he started up again, so this time I took him out, thinking maybe now he really has to go - right? Wrong. Finally both the Midwestern and I are watching Will and Grace and getting ready for bed, and all you hear is whine, whine, whine. UGH! Then the Midwestern turns to be and asks: Did you give the dog water today? Um, No did you? His response: Um, No? OMG! I run to the kitchen and fill up his water bowl and Spike ran to it like he just crossed the Sahara. After he finished his 2nd bowl of water, the Midwestern turns to me and asks: When was the last time you gave the dog water? Um, last week.
This is why I don't have kids.

Client 9

2008-03-12T18:31:00.004-04:00

There is this girl in my class who always wears super short skirts and low cut blouses, and I feel as if she saw Erin Brokowitz way too many times. The difference is this woman is a large woman, not I need gastric bypass large, but the I had too many cupcakes large. Well every time I see her, I have to check out what she is wearing because watching someone make a fashion faux pas is always quite fun for most women. Today, I noticed she had these very high stilettos with a metallic gold heel with her one size too small suit. Is she kidding? Who the world wears metallic gold stilettos to a law firm? Does she work for Spitzer on her free time? I am very worried, and I want to run up to her and tell her that she should stay clear of the clearance section at Rickys, but I decide to keep my silence. Instead, I start walking to my drafting litigation documents with my paper in hand which is due today. I run into my classmate and he says "Hey did you do your paper?" I nod my head. "How many pages?" I look at him and say "Six". I see his face turn white and his mouth open. I start to sweat..Did I write too little? Should I have included a table of authorities? "Are you kidding? You were only supposed to write 2 pages."

Payback is a bitch

Adult only Weddings

2008-03-11T09:55:00.007-04:00

I am going to say something that might make me burn in hell, and my good Catholic parents very upset. But I am not a huge fan of children. No that does not mean I will not have my own, because I am sure that motherly instinct will kick in. And no that does not mean I do not like kids in general. I am just not a big fan of crying, screaming children and at times I find them overwhelming. I figure I probably have 3-4 more years of this until I start wanting kids so much that a trip to Babies-r-us is filled with ooos and ahhhhs. But until that happens, the last place I really want them is running down the aisle at the church during the wedding. So how do you write in a tackful way

You are kindly requested to keave your screaming mongrels at home.

Everyone Loves Little Girls

2008-03-11T09:55:00.005-04:00

I am going to say something that might make me burn in hell, and make my good Catholic parents very upset. But I am not a huge fan of children. No that does not mean I will not have my own, because I am sure that motherly instinct will kick in one day. And no that does not mean I do not like kids in general. I am just not a big fan of crying, screaming children and at times I find them annoying. I figure I probably have 3-4 more years of this until I start wanting kids so much that a trip to Babies-r-us is filled with "ooos and ahhhhs". But until that happens, the last place I really want them is running down the aisle at the church during the wedding. So I figured it might be too tacky to put on our invites "Adult only reception", because it might give people the wrong impression. It is bad enough that my law school budget is forcing me to invite some people without the "plus 1". I do not want all my friends to hate me. So when I heard that my future MIL was inviting her niece and her baby, I wanted to scream. I started thinking? What if she starts screaming in the church? What if she throws cake at people? What if she is just plain cute?? Nah! So I decided, if I must have a child there (mind you the only child), then she must serve a function. I must give her something to do, thus making her a flower girl. I never thought I would have a flower girl, because of the reasons listed above. But I thought, shoot if I have to have her there then she has to work. You know what they say about idle hands? Well that opened a can of worms. All of a sudden, I started to get tons of emails on dresses and colors and shoes and tiaras. Why cant they just put her in combat boots and overalls? Do I really care what she wears? Well apparently I do, because when they showed me some dress that was red and frou frou. I probably should have told them I hate red...Oops! So now I have to take back the ever so kind "Oh any dress is find". Um no! I had to politely tell them my color theme of the wedding and hope they get the hint. Which they did - and low and behold I get these pics of this ever so cute little girl dressed up like a princess smiling at the camera. Apparently, she told her mom she was getting all dressed up to go see a "princess."Okay okay the kid got me. Anyone who can recognize my royalty ancestry has scored points with me. For that I might even pick her up a damn tiara.

MPRE

2008-03-09T14:46:00.006-04:00

This weekend I had to take the MPRE, and for those who do not know what it is I will explain. The American Bar Association beside making you take 3 days of a grueling 21 hours of exams also makes you take this 3 hour ethics exam. Okay it was more like 2 hours and 25 minutes, but nevertheless. The midwestern thinks it is their way of policing themselves so that the state or federal government will not get involved in making laws to govern how lawyers practice. I kind of agree. So with that said, in order to get admitted you have to take this ethics exam which they recommend you take your last year of law school so that it does not interfere with you studying for the bar. Except they never considered it might interfere with the 2 papers I have to write for school. Jerks! Anyway, I spent 5 hours studying on Friday night after 1 vodka/soda and a martini. I do not know why I insisted on having alcohol in my system, but I figured if I had to do 180 multiple choice questions dealing with: Can a lawyer be subject to discipline for commingling client funds, or Is it proper to pay for referrals?. BORING! I figured I should be tipsy. So back to the exam. I wake up at 7:00 am on Saturday for a 9:00 am exam. This is very odd considering that the exam center is all of 15 minutes from my apartment, so why did I wake up 2 hrs earlier? Well because part of being a law student or a lawyer for that matter is being anal. That is why some students book 3 rooms for the bar exam, just in case one burns down, one is hit by a tornado, then you have back up. So I woke up 2 hrs earlier, in case the path was flooded, the ferry sunk, and the taxi cabs went on strike..I would still have a way of getting into the city on time. I showed up on Church street at 8:30 am which gave me enough time to scope the proper seat. You know the one that is not too close to the person with the fidgety hands, or the girl who is blowing her nose. Which brings me to taking any exam in the winter. It should be banned! Too many damn people blowing their nose, that half way into the exam I thought the blowing of the nose sounded like it was in unison to a song I heard on the radio. Someone get the girl a freaking nasal spray! I heard a person behind sigh very loudly and slam her pencil down, but the girl did not get the hint. She kept going - honker and all. Finally I finished all 60 questions, and even the test center questions where I get to give my opinion of the test center. I gave everything raving reviews (NY law school is in a nice building and great location..I mean the distance to the bubble lounge is great because all law students should have champagne within walking distance) But the question about taking the exam with no distractions made me look for a space where I could make additional comments about Gonzo over there but I could only answer: Excellent, Fair, Bad, Terrible. I chose "none of the above", and then walked out of there as fast as I could praying that the champagne bar was open at 11 am.

Eating Gold

2008-03-05T12:01:00.006-05:00

So it is March 5th and I am 4 months away from the big day. I have spent the last 4 months planning the important stuff: Food, Liquor, dress. Oh was there more important stuff? You see I hate fussing over stupid details like what color should the flower girl dress be - who cares? So long as there is no screaming crying baby running down the aisle - you can put her in a green camouflage overall outfit for all I care. So when it came down to trying to decide if I wanted to spend $33.00 on a flap that hangs over the side of my invites - I was ready to scream. The wedding industry as I have mentioned before is nothing more than a way to get people to spend way too much money on things they can't afford and everyone will forget within the first 3 martinis. So I figured that's it!!! Focus on Martinis! So I started looking at martini ice luges. For anyone who has never seen one - it is a 200 lb block of ice where you pour the vodka down what sort of looks like a water slide in Disney and the vodka comes out chilled as you catch it in your martini glass - Brilliant. What worries me is that I may have people with their tongue stuck to the ice sculpture because they have decided to catch it with their mouth (see Exhibit A above). Trust me those people will probably be the Midwestern and me - bitsandgiggles are you in? During my research, I also came across this new luxury vodka that has Gold flakes in it. Wow! How cool would it be to ingest 24 kt gold flakes, that has got to increase my net worth some how right? Does anyone know if our bodies can even digest gold? Ahh all these details.....

War or Honeymoon?

2008-03-04T19:02:00.004-05:00

I was sitting in the living room when I heard the Midwestern say something to the fact that "Chavez is sending troops to Colombia." What? Chavez? Colombia? What the hell is that batshi*t crazy psycho doing with Colombia? I mean anyone who goes around chewing coca leaves all day has got to have a few brain cells short of a oraguntan. Well it looks like not only is Venezuela going to send troops to my homeland, but so is Ecuador (my other homeland)- WTF? You see for me that is a big problem considering that my wedding is in Ecuador and my honeymoon is in Colombia. I really do not feel like flying through enemy airspace. Not to mention that it is already normal to be greeted at the airport by AK47's, but now I have to worry about being caught in the middle of the military fire or trying to find a pink bullet proof vest to go with my outfit. You know most people pick normal places to have their wedding and honeymoon, like Mexico, Bermuda, Jamaica, or Hawaii. Not a 3rd war countries that are run by Farc, and especially not countries that have thousands of paramilitary guerillas walking around as if it were a cops during the St. Pattys parade in NY. So with that being said, I am on the internet looking at the refund policy of my airfare under the category "war", and hoping that I can change my hotels as well. I mean Avianca (colombian airline) has to understand, right? I mean they do not really want to be target practice either do they? Anyone have any places I can get some nice combat boots?

2008-02-11T09:52:00.000-05:00

I was not sure that whether my fingers or my nose was going to fall off first, but I knew if I did not get to work soon one was going to go fast. Today was probably the coldest day of the year, if anything has convinced me not to move to Chicago this was it. Luckily I heard the weather while I was getting dressed so I pulled out my wool slacks, my turtleneck [which I bought on one of the coldest days in Paris] and then grabbed the J-Lo coat. I have this coat that is long and furry and suede and sort of makes me look like Jenny from the block. It is a mix between ghett-o-licious and fab-o-licious. And I am sure if I had as much money as J-Lo I would own two. The coat also makes me feel like a Russian princess with its big hood, so I thought "Bring it!" That was until I started walking my way up Pine Street and I though Oooh...God must be really pissed off at us for this global warming thing, that he decided to kick our a*ss this morning. God: "Oh so you want to keep driving those SUV's don't you?" Us: "Yes we do and what are you going to do about it." God: "Well how are you going to feel when 9 of your toes have turned black. Now let me see you push that gas pedal on that Escalade....What you got!!?" (I swear I have these conversations in my head) The Hummer thinks it won the battle with its Hybrid (that is such an oxymoron). So instead of gas we use hydrogen - And? When the car is THAT big it doesn't matter if we use Champagne, I still see a world war breaking out over some grapes. So now I am sitting at my desk next to the window, being thankful that I work on the 50th floor where I can feel the unprotected UV rays of the sun beating down on my face. Ahhhh...I can slowly start feeling my circulation pump back into my toes. Whew, because it would suck if I only had one - How else would I drive the "beast" in Puerto Rico?

Farewell my Friend and Confidant

2008-02-04T11:12:00.000-05:00

Farewell, my friend and confidante! As you go, so must I return upon the well-worn path. Each soul must travel by. Wend where you will, my wanderer, Even as you stay. Long-treasured in my lonely heart, Loved well, though far away.

I am writing this blog with much happiness and sadness to my dear friend JK. He is currently sitting in an internet cafe in his flip flops somewhere near the Andes drinking a cafe con leche. I did not have a chance to bid farewell and am very saddened for that. However, between him trying to finalize the last 30 something years of his life in NY and me trying to rush out of NY practice class at 8:30 - our paths never crossed before he took off on his journey to the Equator. So instead I send this message to him by the only means I see fit - Internet blogging. So as I sit here and think back to the late nights of eating Lobster tails at Outback in White Plains, or the CD production logs that kept us so long in that God forsaken building of IBM... I still smile. Then we progressed to a deeper friendship over highlighting trial exhibits and sticking labels on green folders in the pencil top skyscraper of CSM. Ahhh what we would do without the life of 80 hour weeks of the corporate legal world to bind us? I have met so many amazing people over the midnight Island Burger meals at a conference table on the 36th floor. And now I bid adieu to one of the first and definitely one of the most important of the original CSM crew. I will miss you JK - keep wearing your slippers even if it is 80 degrees in Cusco and keep in touch. In the interim, I will save the lobster tail for you senor frog until you return.

Sadness in Election 2008

2008-01-30T16:55:00.000-05:00

I regretfully announce that my boy Richards oops, I mean Edwards has dropped out of the race. I call him my boy because according to http://www.campaignissues2008.com/, he is my preferred candidate. I feel bad that he has decided this race is mostly about either putting a woman in the white house or putting an African American in the white house. Since when did it become a race about "history blazing its path" http://www.wral.com/news/state/story/2374923/? I thought it was about the Iraq, health care, stem cell research. Not lets see how much history can be made in 2008 - is it a woman or is it a man? Is it white or is it black? Well I am very disappointed that the celebrity candidates have pushed out a perfectly good candidate from the campaign. Okay enough of my political platform, I will just let the celebrity candidates rip each other to shreds until the best man/woman wins. Now I have to go take that quiz again to see which of the two is more "my candidate". Too bad they do not ask questions like "Are you more interested in hot pink pumps?" or "red patent pumps?" Then I would know who is my candidate!

BitsandGiggles Big 30!

2008-01-24T18:58:00.000-05:00

I have been sort of behind on posting my blog entries. It has been a variety of laziness, being busy reading for school, and watching too much WE channel. So I have to back track to Jan. 18th when Bitsandgiggles celebrated her big 30. The night started with Russian vodka infused with cranberries or was that raspberries? The night ended with russian vodka infused with more cranberries...Ooh and then the honey came out. I vaguely remember calling the Polish restaurant (I know I said Russian, but it is owned by a Polish woman), at 11 pm and asking..How long are you open just for drinking? Yes, I said drinking not drinks. I was excited what can I say. Her response was "How many?" How many what? Drinks, I don't know, one, two okay lets be honest three carafes of vodka. Oh wait she meant how many people! Six! Okay she said. We walk up to the place and her husband (I think), was pulling down the gate. "Wait" I think that was bitsandgiggles running in her new zebra print Steve Madden shoes. So we walk in and went through 4 carafes of vodka - ok we lied. It started as three I swear. I will say the night was a blast. It was full of yummy middle eastern food, belly dancing, bitsandgiggles suggesting Scores, etc.. I lost the bet of bridezilla leaving early, but she let me slide..whew! I could not afford another $20 bet. I just lost one the day before - damn she knows her friends. I never got to show her the evite that I created with pink polka dots, but I believe it went off without a hitch and we all had a great time. But the best of it all is now the Midwestern and LJ want to exchange email addresses. What else can we ask for??

Engagement What?

2008-01-08T09:43:00.000-05:00

I woke up sick as a dog on Saturday to the blaring sound of not one but two cell phones. Apparently, my parents think that if I do not pick up the phone the first time then either a) keep calling until I do or b) call the Midwestern and me at the same exact time until someone picks up. So I wake up frantically thinking someone must be hurt, dead or worse. I answer to hear my dad yelling why don't I pick up the phone, blah, blah, blah. My head is asking "get to the point dad, because I have enough Nyquil in me to numb me for another 3 hours." He starts telling me how my uncle (my mothers brother) is upset because he is throwing me an engagement party and no one is attending. WTF? When I hear that my uncle is throwing me a party to celebrate my engagement, I think lunch at his house with the family - right? Wrong! Apparently he thought catered food, bottles of champagne, the paparazzi. Why didn't anyone tell me? Oh yeah, because he somehow lost his ability to dial a telephone number on his cell phone and now is crying "oooh no one is coming to my party!" So I start making a million phone calls to all my friends. Okay the truth 10 phone calls to my only friends. I already knew that it was going to be hard to drag people from Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx and Manhattan to Greenwich, Connecticut. But my uncle has offered to have his driver (I must be in the wrong line of business), pick up my friends in NY and bring them back. So problem solved right? wrong? It still does not take away from the fact that it is 1 week away and I actually do only have a handful of friends. Which is ok because better a few great friends than a lot of bad friends. Thus here I am 5 days away from my engagement what? Party. With a half a SUV filled with a few of my friends who so graciously have agreed to eat and drink with me and take the trip to another state. AHHH what would I do without you guys.

Last Will and Testament

2008-01-07T10:28:00.000-05:00

I have been sick for over a week now and I have decided it is not worth living. I am tired of drinking Nyquil (is that stuff addictive?), taking Theraflu, drinking Dayquil (the color is cute), and ingesting an obscene amount of disgusting antioxidant juice. Not to mention these concoctions that the Midwestern bought me with beets, wheat germ, spinach and apples and other disgusting nasty stuff. The only good that has come out of the past week is two days off from work, home made chicken soup, and the occasional pity party from people. But now I am getting people asking me "Your not still sick right?" Why? is there a time line? Or is it illegal to hold onto the flu..or the cold..or whatever the f&*k this is for longer than 4 days. I start school this Wednesday and I am not looking forward to sitting through 4 hours of class when I am coughing out a lung. But in the process I do have some home remedies that my Russian friends have recommended which I am going to try tonight. One involves drinking a shot of vodka with pepper. Even if that does not work maybe my liver will feel better. The other involves boiled potatoes on my chest (No, not boiling potatoes and my breasts). This sounds like it might land me in the burn unit. The last one involves a ridiculous amount of raspberry preserves. Believe it or not that remedy is actually from my Russian doctor. Instead of just prescribing me some codeine and antibiotics like a normal M.D., he tells me to eat as much raspberry preserves as possible and call him in the morning. I am not sure where my health insurance money is going, but I swear if I do not feel better by tomorrow and my finger nails are stained red, I am having him pay for my manicure.

Crashing the Bar

2007-12-28T10:08:00.000-05:00

So my dear friend bitsandgiggles is preparing for the most terrible experience of her life - no she is not getting married or having a baby she is taking the bar exam. I have been vicariously living through her while she is going through the PMBR and the new BARBRI classes. Even though I can not even fathom what 5 hours of class and 9 hours of studying 6 days a week does to a person, I am trying to find humor in all that surrounds it. We need the spirits alive! So when I read the Barbri method, I finally understood why so many lawyers are addicted to drugs. Are they kidding me? Not to mention that they make you buy 380 lbs of books and then not sleep, or eat for two months. Then I read this article and it all made sense http://blogonaut-blogonaut.blogspot.com/2007/11/lawyers-defense-to-meth-charge-i-did-it.html. Of course our lawyers of America are making Meth! But that is not the worse part, the fact that they are able to get away with drug charges for pleading "handicapped" because he was high is BRILLIANT! So when these law school graduates are sitting through hours of contracts and torts and then realize their $150K education did not teach them half of what they need to know for the bar. All they need to know is at least they will be able to keep themselves out of jail. So, I have decided to start staking up on Sudafed and ammonia, and I have the dog already. Bitsandgiggles hang tough, and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel or crack pipe whichever comes first.

Oh the weather outside is frightful!

2007-12-27T10:20:00.000-05:00

So the holidays are upon us and I have spent the past few days doing last minute Christmas shopping, cleaning, entertaining, cleaning, entertaining, eating - Did I mention cleaning? This Christmas week, it has been all about the apartment. I know it is only 700 square feet but since I did not decorate this year I wanted to get the place in order. There are a few projects I have been meaning to tackle for example: new closet doors, new bookcase, filtered water (Hoboken water tastes like Mexico city), add lights in the kitchen, putting up pictures...Okay so my list is big. But I will say with the help of generous parents (mine and the Midwestern) we now have new pictures, a light in the kitchen, a water cooler [I love 50 degree water], and have the closet doors on order. Oh and you can not forget the new stainless steel recycling bin - Hey if I must save the environment why not do it in style? I know I sound sooooo domestic, but with all the time I spend studying at home (the library can get a little exhausting) I might as well love it. Even if all it took was some clean water and some pictures on the wall.

Hitting the Town & Country

2007-12-27T10:09:00.000-05:00

So the last day of finals ended with a wonderful engagement AGAIN. I was treated with a beautiful visit to our old favorite champagne bar Flute in midtown and then surprised with a proposal and a canary diamond so big my eyes hurt. After being treated to strawberries and cream by the manager we were off to dinner. Then the night ended with a fab dinner at Country where the ceilings were 20 feet high and the chandeliers were bigger than my sofa. And even though there was no chair for my purse (Daniel Boulud your the greatest), there was still plenty of cool items. Such as the frog legs...OHH Kermie! And the complimentary champagne and the balcony table for two. Not to mention the menu with our names on it and the white chocolate with "Congratulations" written in dark chocolate. Should I tell the chef I hate chocolate? NAH! After 3 exams, one which included the horrid Federal Tax exam I needed this. Because after the tax exam, I came close to sticking a large object in my eye or possibly ripping my fingernails out one by one - I figured either one would be more pleasant then how I spent those last 10 hours. If I have not said it already - Law school will suck the life out of you and then spit it out and make you eat it. With that said, nights like this one spent with the Midwestern are welcomed in order to take my mind off what horrors lie behind and ahead.

Thats just my baby daddy

2007-12-12T16:34:00.000-05:00

The past 7 days have been spent eating fat free pringles, wearing sweatpants and flats, not doing my hair or make up and reading pages of Bankruptcy and Tax. But before I could subject myself to the stale air of the Newark library, I went to my new gym. My thoughts were "be healthy & don't get fat" because eating easy mac and fat free pringles just was not going to keep my figure slim. I also figured it would assist me in getting through the day. So that while I am sitting at an exam I can think about how I did an extra 10 minutes on the elliptical machine so I can eat that extra gummy bear staring at me. But then it hit me, the real reason I was going to the gym was not for the fancy locker rooms, or the new ski machine but it was for Maury and Montel. It occurred to me that I ran to the gym to plug in my head phones so I can finish watching "my daughter is sleeping with 50 men" or "Shocking DNA!" episodes. I guess I figured if I am sweating while I jog on the tread mill that it excuses my sorry self from watching mindless talk shows that are trashy and disgusting. I keep telling myself if I have to read endless notes about indebtedness and adjusted basis then I deserve some trash TV. But what I did not appreciate were all the commercials. I timed it, Montel spoke for all of 4 minutes and then he kept taking commercial breaks. If I saw one more Reggaeton Optimum online cable commercial with the mermaids I was going to scream. So now exams are over and no more Maury and Montel, but I will miss "My babby daddy is my boyfriends father" on Friday damn!

Bat shit Crazy

2007-12-06T18:22:00.000-05:00

So the past two weeks have been lovely. Puerto Rico, great friends, birthday, then Thanksgiving, great family, etc... I know that this is all coming to an end because finals are around the corner, but luckily I started outlining early that I am not too behind schedule. So when I opened up my mail the other night with the return address from a HS friend of mine - the first thing that came to mind was "AWW" She sent me a belated bday card. NOT! So I open up this paper of pure evil and read a page about how I am not the friend I used to be, and there is some discussion of her feeling "numb" - Damn you would think I was sleeping with her and I forgot the foreplay. The letter discusses this stupid fight we had and in so much words how I swept it under the rug and acted like nothing happened (or chose to ignore or forget it - I think were her words). And then ended with a Good bye and have a nice life! What I forgot to mention is that this fight happened 4 yrs ago. Yep folks you got it - she is bat shit crazy (thanks bitsandgiggles for the adjective that is so perfect). Not only had we been on speaking basis for a year, but we did lunch just a few days before the letter showed up. Flutter, flutter, do I hear the bat wings? First off, who the hell holds a grudge for 4 yrs and then keeps it quiet for a year and then writes a poisonous letter right after my 30th birthday after a lovely lunch date?? Those nasty little black flying insects oh and her! So am I a little bitter? Yes. Am I probably developing some psychotic tendencies? Yes. But I promise, I will not write a letter if I need to discuss my frustrations. I will handle it the mature way...Sticking my Stuart Weitzman's in her eye.

Gobble Gobble

2007-11-25T18:10:00.001-05:00

Another Thanksgiving gone, and another fall semester coming to the end. I am sitting here doing practice exams for Tax and of course no answers! So I sit here and waste endless hours doing questions that I will never know if they are right or not. And I listen to hours of monotone voices on CD of a boring professor that they hired from some southern state to teach me Bankruptcy. UGGH, life sucks again. I have eaten massive amounts of mac n cheese, mashed potato, green bean casserole, and the pies...Oh the pies! Pumpkin, squash (I made that one), sweet potato, cherry, apple, pecan. I am looking for different ways to pump my stomach and remove everything I just ate in the past 4 days. Not to mention that the weekend consisted of the Midwestern's two stepbro's showing up which always entails loads of Makers Mark and endless hours of cigar smoking. I can tell the wedding will be fun and smelly :0 So as I contemplate over the past few days and think of where the next few weeks will leave me. I am not sure what I would rather, read about capital gains, eat another pie, or staple my stomach with a Swingline and no anesthesia.

The BEAST

2007-11-19T19:27:00.000-05:00

So as much as I am worried about the environment and the oil wars, I have to admit my father owned a beast for many years. The beast being what half of America or at least the entire state of Texas own....A "SUV". I just finished reading an article about the price of gas going up to $4.00. I did not know the effects of this until recently when we tried to refill the gas tank in Rincon. The price of gas was in liters so I did not realize how pricey it really was. I remarked "WOW" "Gas is so cheap in Puerto Rico." I never was good at conversion. Then as J was pumping the gas (well I couldn't because I got my drivers license in Jersey so I never took the pumping gas class), we saw the numbers creep up. Is that machine broken? J reacted and said "No, it must be in pesos!" Nope we were both wrong - the total being about $55.00. Well I guess I am not a minority according to this article http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/Extra/HundredDollarFillUpComingToPumpNearYou.aspx?gt1=10621
So lesson learned, do not buy a large beast unless you want to continue to pump ridiculous amounts of cash into your gas tank, continue to enjoy hot days in October because our ozone has become almost non existent, and most of all unless you want to spend another x-mas with our boys in Iraq. See Puerto Rico was even a learning experience of current affairs - who would have thought?

30 and counting!

2007-11-19T18:55:00.000-05:00

Well the past four days have been spent snorkeling, taking in the sun, eating mofongo, swimming, driving around in a large SUV, and consuming an enormous amount of alcohol. I celebrated my 30th birthday in Puerto Rico. It was 87 degrees on average, the ocean was 80 degrees and the surfers were out. The town of Rincon, is beautiful (even if it is invaded by guys with blond hair and flip flops). The food is cheap, the town is small but with enough to do to keep 7 people very busy. The house we stayed at was gorgeous and the kitchen was bigger than my Hoboken apartment. The 4 bedroom, 4 bathroom house had 2 living rooms, a pool, dining room, patio, balcony, 2 car garage. I could not have asked for anything more. Not to mention that all the people I care about the most were celebrating with me. Who else would drive 1 hour and half to see glowing micro sea life? Who else would finish an entire bottle of Tortilla Tequilla and a gallon of Puerto Rican rum with me? God I did not think I could eat that many cheetos in one sitting. [Note** do not mix with Cheez wiz) Who else would make sure I always had a coconut in my hand? Not to mention there is one person in mind who stood by me when we were being stalked at the airport? I mean come on! Anyone who sighs at Bette Midler and can sing "Always" by Bon Jovi at the top of their lungs deserves kudos from me. I love you. I do not know how to thank my friends for what they did, but they made this the most memorable birthday ever!! I still think back to admiring green moss ocean rocks with J, watching sunsets with the Midwestern, salsa dancing with K, and driving to Homeland security singing "God is watching us" with Bitsandgiggles. "Sigh" So no more bowling in the living room, eating lots of processed cheese, and drinking Rum with pistachio ice cream at 2 am.....What are we going to do without Rincon?